Bad, Bad Blogger

Today I am 29weeks 5days pregnant.

I am officially a bad blogger. I am including a few belly pics and 4D pic of his face!

Things are going really well. His nursery is coming along slowly but surely. We are using my niece's crib and changing table and we bought a dresser. I will post pics when it is all done. I think it is going to be really great. I am definitely struggling with my emotions. I have so many fears. I think being pregnant just brings out my anxiety. I want so much for everything to be perfect. I want a VBAC, but I am scared of the risks. So, then I say I want a c-section because then I can schedule it and know when he will be here. But I don’t really want a c-section. I worry about how L will take all the changes that are going to come with a new baby. I worry about how all of us are going to take those changes. I think I am just a worrier.

I have been having BH since about 19 weeks. They always seem to subside and my belly gets looser when I lie down and they haven’t changed my cervix at all. At this point they are not a concern.

I think I am not posting much because I can’t hang onto a train of thought. It really is like this baby has stolen my brain. It is crazy. Working is a PITA because I can’t seem to focus for any length of time. This one short, all over the place post has taken me a couple hours because I keep getting distracted. Sad. I know.

Good News!

Quick update: We got wonderful news last week. Bernie has a 1/10,000 chance of having Down Syndrome, a 1/10,000 chance of having Trisomy 18 and 1/5,150 chance of having spina bifida. When I got the message I was so happy I cried!

Does he still have a chance of something being wrong? Yep. All babies do though. So I am going to try and sit back and relax and bond with my little man.

OT: But do any of you think there is a chance that he is a girl based on the pic I posted?

The post you have been waiting for……..and some complications

It’s a……………Boy!
Last Friday the three of us went to my 16week scan together (more on that later). At first the tech couldn’t get him to show the goods, but once he finally did, he just kept showing her. He most have shown them clearly 4 or 5 times through-out the time we were there. Here is a pic of the goods for those who know what they are looking at.

L was a little disappointed. She had really been hoping for a little sister, but she is getting used to the idea. Every once in a while she says “I am sad that Bernie is a boy. I really wanted a sister.”

I am a little sad for her. As somebody who has both a brother and sisters, I can honestly say the bond is completely different between the two. I love my brother dearly, but it just isn’t the same. I am sad that L is not going to have that. But M is ecstatic. He kept saying “I didn’t think I really cared, but I am pretty excited”. I think I knew the whole time that I would be sad for one of them and happy for the other.

As for the complications: During the u/s everything was going great. We got a pic of Bernie yawning. We saw him making a muscle. All the measurements were good; until we got to the heart. At first the tech was having a hard time getting a good picture, because of the position he was in. Finally, he changed positions and she started taking measurements. As she was doing this she got quieter. Then she placed an arrow next to a little white dot and put some initials next to it. At that point I realized something wasn’t right. I asked her what it was and she said it is a “bright spot.” It can be a “soft-marker” for genetic diseases, it can indicate a type of heart disease or it can simply be a calcium or mineral deposit that means nothing. Well……F&*@! From my own research I have learned this is called an Echogenic Intracardiac Focus.

The doc finally came in and looked at his heart as well. Afterwards, he chatted with us and said he doesn’t think Bernie has any problems, but he wanted me to get the Quad screening done and come back in 4 weeks. The reason he doesn’t think there is a problem is because his NT scan was in completely normal ranges, the 12w blood work came back with a 1/1500 chance of DS, he has a visible nasal bone and he has none of the other soft markers. The spot on his heart increases the odds by 150. So as of right now we have a 1/1350 chance of the baby having a genetic defect. We will get the results of the quad screening next week and those odds will be adjusted accordingly.

I honestly don’t know what to think or feel. I am scared. Worried. Everyone wants to know if we will do an amnio. We won’t. For me the risk is too great of miscarriage and regardless of whether there is something wrong or not, I will not terminate, I will love my baby and cherish him. Doing the amnio would be great in it would give me definitive answers, not some stupid odds, but it just isn’t worth it. I will have answers in February either way. If my nerves survive until then that is.

All I can do is pray. I am praying that he is healthy and stays that way. But mostly I am praying for peace and acceptance. I can’t change the outcome. I am trying to give my fear to God and know that his will is divine. There are moments when the stress and worry starts to take over and I want to scream and yell and throw things. Those are the times I pray the hardest.

Every time I feel Bernie move I am reminded of the miracle growing within me. Even if genetically he is not perfect.

First Trimester Screening and Vacation pics

I am going to keep this short, it is late and I am super tired, but I really wanted to do an update. I have been completely neglecting my blog.

We spent two weeks sitting on the beach in Cabo. It was very relaxing, but the heat isn’t the best place for a nervous pregnant chick. I found myself questioning every little thing. But we still had a great time. Here are a few pics.

We got home late last Thursday and Friday afternoon I had my first trimester screening. We debated about not going but ultimately decided to do. First, we would get to see Bernie again. Second, if there is something wrong at least we would be prepared. But there is absolutely nothing wrong! At least that they can see this early in the pregnancy.

The ultrasound was incredible! I have never seen an Ultrasound like that. It was so clear you could count his little fingers and see the butterfly shape of his brain and see the spine. He was bouncing all over and doing flips. He is even measuring 3days ahead. Both M and I were in complete awe. I am actually kind of wishing I had taken Lou with. She would have loved it. It was really, really incredible.

I got my Down Syndrome odds a couple days ago, there is a 1 in 1,500 chance of this baby having Down Syndrome. The average risk is 1 in 800 so I am feeling pretty good with those results.

Over all it was worth it.

I need to do a new belly pic. I will try and get one this weekend. I just seem to be so tired all the time it is hard to keep up with everything.

Vacation and an Update

Sorry I haven't been blogging.  I have been crazy busy.  We went to see family in CO last weekend and we are getting ready for our annual family vacation to Cabo next week.  I will be gone for two full weeks and I have one of those jobs where when I am gone my work waits. There is no one to do my work for me.  It is nice to know I am needed but it stinks when I need a break.  I was talking to my boss the other day about maternity leave and she cried.  She really doesn't want me to take an extended maternity leave.  We will see.  It is good to know I am needed, but sometimes it is hard to be so needed.

As far as Bernie and I, we are doing good as far as I know.  I had another appointment almost two weeks ago.  I was really nervous and scared.  But everything went perfectly.  We got to see Bernie's hb again as well as hear it.  A perfect 154bpm.  

I have another appointment on Wednesday.  I don't really want to go.  If there is something wrong I really don't want to know before I go on vacation.  I want to have a nice vacation.  I don't want to be depressed and bleeding.

The weird thing about it all is that I am not really nervous.  When I lost the baby in April 09 I was a wreck for weeks before I found out.  I just had a gut feeling something was wrong.  This time I am completely at peace.  I don't know why I am so peaceful this time.  Does that mean everything is ok with Bernie? Or does it mean that I have accepted that there is nothing I can do to change the outcome?  

I wish I had answers.  I wish I could see the future and know whether Bernie is my Rainbow baby or not.  But right now I am at peace.  But I still don't want to know until after my vacation if something is wrong.  There is no way out of it though.  I have to go.  If everything is fine they need to start weaning me off my meds.  

One day at a time.   Right?

Miss Smarty Pants

We haven't told Lou yet about Bernie, because when we lost my son in April 09 she was devastated. She cried and cried. She repeatedly told me "you promised" and "you said." For months afterward whenever she prayed she prayed for "the baby in mommy's tummy to come back." It was excruciatingly painful to watch her suffer like that. Especially while dealing with my own grief. Consequently, we had been waiting.

On Sunday morning we were getting ready to leave the house, M, Lou and I were all in the bathroom. (Yes, we have three bathrooms but all tend to use the Master). Anyway, as I am getting dressed, I realized how large my tummy was already. I was wearing an empire waist dress but still; Huge belly!

Of course I tell M "wow this is scary. It is way to soon." And I was holding my hand above and below my belly to emphasize the size. Lou looks at it and says "Oh my gosh....there is a baby in mommy's tummy. Daddy! Daddy! I am getting a sister."

Seriously what 4 year old assumes there is a baby in a tummy from the size and shape?! She is such a little smarty pants!

We had a little talk with her and told her, that we "think so" but we are not sure yet. It is still so soon. I don't want her to hurt like that if we lose this one too. I am praying that it will be a non-issue and that in 33 weeks she will get to meet Bernie, her healthy little brother or sister, but with my history I just want to be cautious.

Seriously though, what a smart kid I have. There is not a day that goes by that she doesn't amaze me. And people wonder why I would try so hard for another. I think the amazing daughter I have should be answer enough.

Bernie

We saw a heartbeat!

We went for our U/S yesterday to make sure the embryo had not implanted in my tube again. It didn’t. The little guy was right where you want to see it; In my Uterus. There is only one in there. Since we can’t call them Burt and Ernie anymore because we know there is only one, we have decided to call the little bean Bernie.

I got a little nervous at first, because all I saw was the gestational sac and the doc says “I think I see……..oh I do….a heartbeat”. Of course I am going….umm where? And then all of a sudden I realized that little dot flickering was Bernie! I cried a little. I am so relieved.

Its official I am pregnant.

The only bad news is I have to wait two weeks to see my little guy again. Because we saw the h/b today Doc T made me cancel my appointment for Monday and reschedule for two weeks. Blah! But I am not going to complain. I am pregnant!

On a side note: Doc T was talking about all my meds etc and that he is going to start weaning me off them around 10weeks. I told him that I was leaving for our annual cabo trip on July 8th, which turns out to be exactly 10 weeks. He said “oh creepy” because last year I had to come home from Cabo because of my ectopic. It bothered me a little. I have been going on this trip every year since I was twelve. This year will be year number 20 I believe. Never before last year has anything bad happened. Plus, you can’t blame the trip for the tubal. I had it when I got there. I wish he had just kept his mouth shut. He just gave me something else to worry about.

I know I am not out of the woods and things can change literally in a heart beat. But I am going to do my best to just enjoy being pregnant and not stress. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome. I will continue to pray, eat well and try to keep the stress to a min. Other than that it is in God’s hands.

I had three betas total:
93 -8dp5dt (13dpo)
202 -10dp5dt (15dpo)
1256 -14dp5dt (19dpo)

My Doctor’s office doesn’t want me to have any more. They keep telling me I don’t need it. But I do. I tell you……..I do…….For my own sanity. M keeps telling me I don’t. But what do they all know?

I have another blood draw form. I could go at any time if I really wanted to. But I am trying not to. I am trying to keep myself under control. I did ask if I could have an earlier U/S. I wanted one on the 7th, but the doc was completely booked that day, so I am going on the 9th. They will just be looking for the Yolk Sac to ensure it is not in my tube. I then have my hb U/S on the 14th.

I am so nervous. I think part of my nerves stem from the fact that I really don’t feel pregnant. Everything I am feeling could be a symptom of the PIO. I have sore breasts, some mild nausea and am more tired than normal. None of which are really encouraging me. Having said all that, I also don’t have the bad feeling I did the whole time I was pg last winter. So maybe that in and of it self is the most important symptom.

Keeping my fingers crossed that things keeping progressing beautifully and either Burt or Ernie is snuck and comfy in there for the long haul. I am just sitting here waiting patiently or maybe not so patiently. I need to find my patience.

Hmmm…..What was it you all have been waiting for?

Oh yes, you are waiting for my Beta results. Well, I have been testing. I said I wouldn’t. I swore to myself I wouldn’t put myself what I went through last time. But I couldn’t resist I simply had to know.

Here are my 1st few tests;

Yep you saw that right, I even got a positive on a digi! Whoo Hoo! It was actually pretty funny, because I was being pretty sneaky with my testing so that M wouldn’t know. If it was positive I was going to surprise him with a onesie that said “Daddy’s Little Squirt.” But yesterday he asked if I had been testing. And I cannot tell a lie to my dear wonderful husband.

I showed him the darkest test I had taken to date that was from the afternoon of 6dp5dt. He was shocked. He said “wow! There really is a line there. Usually, when you show me those I have to squint to see the line.” He got in the shower, I went and got my trusty sidekick, my pee cup.

I took a digital. I am scared of digitals. I try not to take them because of those ugly, ugly words “NOT PREGNANT!”

But what to my wondrous surprise might appear? The word PREGNANT! I screamed, pretty loud. Loud enough that poor M in the shower almost had a heart attack and opens the shower door with soap all over his face and one I cracked. Sorry babe!

I had my first Beta today at 8dpt5d (or 13dpo). Which is actually a day early, but if we had done it tomorrow by second one would have been on Saturday and chances are the lab wouldn’t get the results to the docs office before noon, when they close on Saturday. I was hoping for anything over a 50. One day early, I knew it could be on the lower end, but was really rooting for over 50.

It was a 93! At 13dpo! When I had my ectopic it was a 14 and 14dpo. So a 93 was music to my ears.
So, the question is really; Is it my turn? I am sincerely hoping so. I am ready for my sunshine and rainbows. Preferably a Rainbow baby if possible. The whole thing is honestly feel very surreal. I am not sure what to think or feel. I really want this to be my Rainbow baby. But I know there are still so many hurdles to cross. I still have to have a good Beta on Friday. I then need to see a hb. We then have to make it past the 13 week point. The first trimester is going to be hard on me, but for the chance that this might be real. I am willing to deal with it.

Thinking of you all and praying for all my online friends fertile and infertile alike. I am really hoping for some BFPs this summer. Sticky ones at that!

DisneyWorld

I never did tell you about our trip to Disney and it has been more than a month since we have been back. Oops!

It was a great trip; lots of fun with the family. We stayed at the Animal Kingdom’s Kidani Village; which was incredible. The room was gorgeous. Though be forewarned if you stay in a studio the room is tiny and the kitchen essentially non-existent. The one-bedroom was incredible though. It said online that it could easy sleep five adults and it did, comfortably no less. Plus, a huge kitchen.

The biggest draw to the Animal Kingdom hotels is the “savannah view” rooms that overlook what is supposed to be an African Savannah. I read a lot of bad reviews about these rooms not being worth the extra cost. As far as I am concerned it was worth every penny. The animals were incredible! I have never sat out on my balcony and watched zebra, giraffes, antelope, etc run around before. They were so close it was just awesome. Something I would definitely recommend.

Lou and Bug (my niece, who went with us) enjoyed the rides for the most part, but truthfully, they would have been happiest staying at the pool everyday. They loved rides like Dumbo and Peter Pan. We made the mistake of taking them on The Haunted Mansion and to see A Bug’s Life. Those two did a number on Lou. She was pretty hesitant about doing anything after them and even screamed through the Seas with Nemo and Friends. The girls are just so different. Bug like anything with lots of stuff to look at but a tame ride; Pirates of the Caribbean was a favorite of hers. And she was actually pretty fine in The Haunted Mansion. She was pointing out things to me like the Cats in the cemetery etc. But she hated anything with exciting movement.

While Lou loved anything with exciting movement, Goofy’s Barnstormer roller coaster, Soarin, stuff like that she would have ridden on all day. Normally when she likes something she says “That was yummy in my tummy.” Peter Pan got a yummy. But when we got off of Soarin, she said “That was so awesome it almost made my head explode.” What?!?!? Where does she come up with this stuff? Bug on the other hand hated the roller coaster and Soarin.

The worst part of the trip was on Lou’s birthday. We had a wonderful breakfast with many of the Princesses. (Off topic ~ but how in the world I am going to beat this birthday in subsequent years?) The girls loved every minute of it. I am not sure I actually got any food into them. They loved it that much. After breakfast we took them on Nemo and Friends. When we came out, I went to get the strollers with my sister and left Lou and Bug with the rest of the group. While I was getting the stroller M comes over and starts talking to me. Not far behind him is my mom. As soon as I saw her I got a bad feeling. I asked her where Lou was and she said she thought she was with me. Needless to say things went a little crazy after that.

Every morning before we left the room, we put a little sensor on each of the girls’ shoes that would beep extremely loudly if the receiver was pushed. And we had each of them wear and ID bracelet with our phone numbers inside.

When we realized Lou was gone, I started pounding on my sister’s bag trying to set the stupid receiver off. After about 5 seconds of that and not hearing the receiver beep I just started running. At first, I wasn’t really worried. I thought she would be walking in circles of one of the planters or with my MIL (who really needs an adult to watch her~so isn’t much good when it comes to keeping track of Lou). She wasn’t in either of these places. We were all running all over looking for her. When we finally found her (I say finally, but it couldn’t have been more than 5 minutes from the time she wandered off) she was standing in a group of people about a football field from where she should have been, crying, holding up her arm and pointing at her bracelet saying “call my mommy.” She did exactly what she was supposed to do. Stop where she was and tell somebody to call us. The people hadn’t figured out what she was saying at that point. Just imagine a crying 4 year old. BUT the important things was she did what we had instructed her to do.

I was so calm the whole time, even after we found her, I was calm. Then I hugged her and I completely fell apart. I bawled my eyes out. I was crying so hard she was actually comforting me. I think before hugging her I was numb.

M and I had a hard time leaving her with any of our family the rest of the trip. I still have extreme anxiety whenever I think of it. My sister and my nieces’ aunt took all three of the girls to our local zoo the other day. Letting Lou go was so hard on me. I had so much anxiety worrying about her getting lost, but my sister was great and didn’t lose her and I think Lou learned a valuable lesson the day she got lost. Pay attention! She has a tendency to get wrapped up in something, that day it was a pixie stick, and not pay attention to what is going on around her.

The rest of the trip was a lot of fun. M & I still didn’t let anyone else watch Lou and it was actually easier to keep track of the girls after the rest of our family went back home. They all left on Tuesday and we stayed until Friday. The girls loved the pool at the hotel and they loved the characters. Overall, aside from losing Lou, it was a really wonderful trip.

FET

I did it. I had my transfer yesterday. Honestly, everything went well. Very similar to the first time. Luckily they only had to thaw two frosties to get two good ones. So I still have three left.

Which means we have one more shot after this and then..........well...... then I don't know. But I think we are probably done. We really can't spend the money for another fresh cycle. The cost is just too crazy for something that didn't work the first time.

For now I am just trying to relax and enjoy the time I am on bed rest. It is actually kind of hard for me. I am not a huge fan of just lying in my bed all day. I am not even supposed to sit up. I am supposed to just lie here. I can't even scan the pics of my embabies for you all.

Speaking of my embabies, they don't look like my fresh ones. They look a little sad. Doc T and the embryologist said that was completely normal. What matters is how well they thawed (great) how they looked before thaw (good) and that they are growing again prior to transfer (awesome). So I guess things are looking good from that point of view.

Since I named the last ones. I told Matt he should name these two. He decided they are Burt and Ernie. As long as they stick and are healthy and happy they can be anything they want!

L's Hair

I am just posting this now, because I have really been struggling with it. At the begining of March, my beautiful Little girl chopped off all her hair. The first picture is the before. The 2nd is the after. I will be honest, it is growing on me, but I still miss her long hair. I miss the ease of styling it, and I miss her not having bangs. I will admit that I love, love, love the 2nd picture of her. My mom was actually in the picture, but I cropped her out, becuase I loved the pic of L so much. Sorry mom!

Does anyone know any tricks to make hair grow faster? Or could you just make time go faster so that it grows out? Ahhh………the joys of parenting a preschooler.

A New Cycle & A New Look

We are starting a new cycle now, so I thought it was time for a new look. What do you think?

We had our follow-up with Doc T in March. It went pretty much as I expected. “I am so sorry, I don’t know what happened. I really thought this would work. How are you holding up?” Blah, blah, blah.

I cried a little bit. I cried because I was reminded of the hope that I had; the hopes that were completely dashed. And I cried because I realized that though we will go through with the Frozen transfer I don’t have much hope of success.

Doc T explained that he thinks the only thing that could have caused our failure was fluid from my left tube; which is blocked from my ectopic. Though, he really doesn’t think there was any present as they can normally see it on ultrasound.

The plan at this point is to plan on doing our Frozen Transfer on May 18th and closely watch my lining. If at any point there is any sign of fluid, we will cancel the cycle and he wants me to have surgery to either remove or tie off my left tube. And then we will try the frozen transfer once I am healed from surgery.

At this point, I am not feeling much about this plan. I am not scared, I am not nervous, but at the same time I am not hopeful. I am pretty much numb. It makes me kind of sad that I feel this way, I miss that beautiful feeling of hope that I had before my IVF, but at the same time, I would rather be numb then get my hopes up again and have them destroyed again.

The only problem is that they put me back on the BCP. Which is not my friend. It brought out my inner witch as well as made me gain weight again. I have gained about 20lbs now between the two cycles.

The Lupron is making me weepy and emotional. Tomorrow I get to add in Estrogen.

Let the good times roll.

Transferring the Obsession

The few of you who have been following me are probably wondering where I have been and what I have been up to the last few weeks.

I discovered that I need something else to occupy my mind and my time. When we decided to do IVF, I became completely obsessed. I read anything and everything I could find; from research to message boards, to blogs. IVF became my life. When it didn’t work, I realized almost immediately that I had to find something else to occupy my time or I was going to go crazy. So that is what I did.

I became completely obsessed with planning our trip to Disney. I mean that very literally. I have read two very large books on the matter, I have looked at pretty much everything online. I have made countless reservations. I even created a fairly detailed multi-page itinerary showing what parks we are going to visit and when. I even created alternate “options” for the older people that are going with us.

This reminds me, what started out as a family vacation for the three of us has turned into a large extended family vacation. Originally, we invited my niece to go with us. Then my mom decided she wanted to go, so my younger sister decided to go as well. Then my other sister (niece’s mom) decided to go as well. When my in-laws found out that everyone was going my MIL wanted to go as well. So needless to say what started out as a small family vacation has turned into a large family vacation.

Once I became bored with the Disney obsession. I had to find something else to occupy me. My next obsession was redecorating L’s room. We repainted and added a chair rail and crown molding. Her room went from being OK to really very beautiful.

I then moved onto looking for a new house. Yep, I am crazy I want to move. We made an offer on a bank owned property a couple weeks ago and still don’t know if we got it or not. My gut says not. But if we did, then I get to become obsessed with renting or selling our house. Packing and decorating the new house. If we didn’t then we get to keep looking. Fun either way. I am certifiably crazy I know.

In the midst of all the distracting myself, I got crazy busy with work, which helped continue the distraction. All in all, I have kept myself very busy. Not thinking about our BFN and not focusing on the future of TTC.

When we do start to TTC again, I will do my very best to continue trying to not obsess about it. I have reached the point where I am beginning accept that another child may not be in the cards for us. I need to continue on this path. If it happens I will be ecstatic, but if it doesn’t I need to know that I will be ok. That I can look toward the future and know that it will be beautiful with or without another baby.

Sunshine and Rainbows

Sometimes I wonder what us infertiles did to deserve all this bull. Why should we have to be the ones that have to do this? Why should we have to know the pain of multiple miscarriages? Why are we the ones to continually have our hopes dashed against the rocks?

I know. The real question is; Why not me? And if someone has to go through this, at least I know I am strong enough to weather the storm. Though the truth is, I didn’t know how strong I was until going through all of this. I wouldn’t wish what I have been through on my worst enemy. That is what is causing the rub today; Reading/hearing about heartbreak and more struggles.

I have some few online “friends” and some blogs I follow. One of the woman, whose blog I follow recently lost her pregnancy. She went through IVF a few weeks before I did. One of my online “friends” just found out she has a blighted Ovum. She went through IVF about a week ahead of me. Another of my online friends recently found out she lost one of her twins. She went through IVF a few weeks before me. WHY?!?!? I don’t understand. Haven’t these women been through enough? Can’t they just have a chance to enjoy a beautiful happy pregnancy?

I am just sick of it. I don’t expect all sunshine and rainbows, but haven’t we all weathered enough storms? Isn’t it our turn for some sunshine and rainbows?

I know I am ranting, but I am frustrated. One of the things that helped me deal with my BFN was seeing so many women, women I have truly come to care about, happy and successful. Now I am watching so much of that come crashing down like a house of card and it makes me angry and so very sad.

I am ready for sunshine and rainbows. Even if they aren’t mine.

Tracyology

Tracyology
Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followedy by "ology.

"FOODOLOGY:
What is your salad dressing of choice? Blue Cheese or Ranch from Dion’s

What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? Chama River Brewing Co.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Chick-fil-A and/or Lotaburger

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Ummm…..not sure………pretzels maybe

What are your pizza toppings of choice? peperoni or Turkey and Green Chile

How many televisions are in your house? Four

What color cell phone do you have? Red

BIOLOGY:Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Does a L count? C-section.

What is the last heavy item you lifted? L

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Yes

Have you ever fainted? No

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I don't think so. That would just cause anxiety

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I am sticking with what I have. It would be weird to change it.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? Many, many, many from April through Sept that is all I wear.

Last person you talked to? L

FAVORITOLOGY:Season? Spring & Fall

Holiday? Can never decide between Thanksgiving and Christmas

Day of the week? SaturdayMonth? Used to be April, because of my B-day and Ls, but not sure anymore. Lets see how April is this year.

Color? RedDrink? Water

Alcohol? I have so many favs. Pomegranate martinis, chocolate martinis, wine, mimosas.

CURRENTOLOGY:
Missing someone? Yes

What are you listening to? L sleeping

What are you watching? nada

Worrying about? Pregnancy and my lack there of and fun worrying our trip to Disney World

What's the last movie you saw? Valentine’s Day

Do you smile often? Yes, L keeps my smiling constantly

If you could change your eye color what would it be? As I have gotten older I have learned to love the things about myself so I would say, sticking with my brown eyes

What's on your wish list for your birthday? A nice day (won’t be peaceful though, we will be at Disney) and no tears. If you are talking about gifts though……I would really like a front loading washer and dryer.

Can you do a chin-up? One, but probably not many more

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? It changes moment to moment, but mostly excitement.

Have you been in a car wreck? Yes

Have you caused a car wreck? No

Do you have an accent? Nope

Last time you cried? Last week

Plans tonight? Making chicken and black bean burritos for the whole family.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Absolutely and more than once (*stole Cheryl’s answer………but it is SO true)

Name three things you bought yesterday? Breakfast and that is it!

Have you met someone who changed your life? Most everyone I love has changed my life in some way for the better.

For the better or worse? Better

How did you bring in the New Year? With M at a party with a bunch of drunk A**es

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Nope. Then my present would be different and who knows what would get changed in the process. Ever heard of the butterfly effect?

What songs do you sing in the shower? I don’t sing. Even in the shower.

Have you held hands with someone today? Yes

Who was the last person you took a picture of? L

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? A combination of the two

Do you like pulpy orange juice? Yes

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Couple days ago.

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Watching TV and reading my WDW guide book

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Wow! L slept really late. Followed by “She is so cute”

What does the future hold?

I don’t know. Next month will be the three year mark of TTCing baby number 2 for us. How long can we go on like this? One thing I know, is that no matter what the future holds, I will be happy! I have an incredible daughter, husband and extended family. I am already incredibly blessed.

I think we will transfer our frosties. If we are lucky we will get two transfers out of the five frosties we have. (Though, lucky isn’t really our thing. So I doubt that.) We should at least get one transfer and then I think we are done. We can’t spend the money for another fresh cycle. We have spent, with meds, about $17,000 so far. I can’t justify spending it again. The thought that we might not have another child breaks my heart, but at the same time I have to let go at some point. I say all of this now, but I realize it could change after we transfer our frosties. I am going to take it one day at a time for now.

It looks like we are going to do our frozen transfer at the beginning of May end of April. I need to schedule my follow-up appointment and find out exactly what the schedule is, but it looks like I won’t be having a 2010 baby after all.

We could cycle sooner, but we need the break. We are going to take L to Disney World for her 4th birthday in April and when we return we will cycle. I have been wanting to take her for a while, but we just couldn’t get the timing to work. I wanted to take her in Jan before we cycled, but we couldn’t swing the time off. Today I BOOKED it. It is irreversible. We are going to Disney World!

I don’t want to cycle before our trip, because who wants to do Disney pregnant? I also need some time to lose the ridiculous amount of weight I gained during this cycle. The last year has been very difficult. I need some time to just be.

I haven’t had a vacation since December of 08 that wasn’t tainted by all of the loss. Our annual Cabo trip was ruined by the ectopic. Our trip to the Bahamas was ruined by the loss of my son a few weeks prior to the trip. I need a vacation that can be a vacation without having to focus on all of this; without grieving, without pain.

Thank you all for all of your support through-out this process so far; a special thanks to Sonya your friendship has been invaluable. Knowing I had you all standing behind me, cheering for me was an incredible feeling. Thank you. I hope you will continue to follow my journey and keep in touch.

Beta Day

I went into today with little to no expectations. I tested yesterday, and it was the same line as the day before. I even cried on my way home from Beta.

Of course, I got the call as I was pulling out of the driveway on the way to a meeting that I could not miss. It was Doctor T. My beta was a 1. Yep that’s right, FRER apparently picks up a 1. He wants me to stay on the PIO and estrace until Friday and do another Beta then, just to be sure I don’t have a very late implanter. But there really isn’t any hope.

The hardest part about the call was that he kept apologizing. He really thought this was going to work. At least 5 times in the call he said how sorry he was and that he really wasn’t expecting this. Me either. I really thought it was gonna work.

Why didn’t it? Maybe I really am not supposed to have anymore kids. I feel a huge sense of loss. It is almost like I had a miscarriage. It really, really hurts. I thought I would handle it better. But I don’t think I realized how attached I would become to my embryos. I am just so sad and disappointed.

I will post more later about our plans for the future, etc. For now I need to go cuddle with L.

Mayor of Crazy Town

I am a member of a couple online forums regarding IVF. These forums have been a great source of support for me through this process and a great outlet for my emotions. On one particular thread, the other member’s discourage testing early. They feel the sticks are “evil.” In some ways they are right. Those little pink lines can take you to the highest of highs and lowest of lows and aren’t 100% accurate. If you test or begin obsessing over symptoms they say you are entering crazy town.

Today I am announcing my candidacy for Mayor of Crazy Town!

As many of you know I had POAS last week (a few times) and I wasn’t sure of the results. I thought they could be the trigger, evaps or just a really early positive. Yesterday I tested again. It was negative. There was no denying it. It was stark white. You could even see the indention where the second line should have been.

I am not proud to admit this, but I crashed. I completely fell apart. I cried and cried. I told M I wasn’t sure I wanted to transfer our frosties because I wasn’t sure I could handle the emotional side of it all. I spent the morning in bed wallowing in my own self-pity. I didn’t even go to church. I sent M with L and my niece and stayed in bed. I did finally get out of bed in the afternoon and started planning a trip to Disney World for L’s 4th birthday in April. Something I will not do if I am pregnant. I pulled myself out of my despair and started making plans for the future.

To all you who think I completely overreacted. The last time I was pg I had a beta of 14 and I had a definite positive on an FRER. The fact that at 11DPO there was no evidence of a line was a pretty strong indication that there was NO HCG in my blood.

Fast forward to this morning, I tested again. I know crazy, right? Why do you think I have nominated myself as Mayor of Crazy town?

This test was positive! What?!?!?! I had accepted I wasn’t pg and was just POAS to keep me from getting my hopes up between now and beta. But this is the most positive of them all. The line came up almost immediately. It is still exceptionally faint, but it is most definitely there. I don’t know what to think. Chemical? Resurgence of trigger? Or could I possible be……………I am afraid to even type it. One thing I can tell you with 100% certainty is that this is not the trigger. (When looking at the picture remember, iti s completely unedited, so you can no longer see the line from 4dp5dt and today's looks really faint, but IRL today's is faint, but you don't have to squint or even really look for it. It is really, really obvious!)

As you can see, I am truly the best candidate for Mayor of Crazy town.

Intersting Info

In my obsessive state of mind I came accross this info this evening:

Once you complete your embryo transfer, you will have approximately 1½ weeks to wait before a pregnancy can be detected. The following tables outline an approximate timeline for what happens during a successful pregnancy after a 3-day transfer (3dt) and a 5-day transfer (5dt).

3-Day Transfer
Days Past Transfer (DPT) Embryo Development
One The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six Implantation continues
Seven Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

5-Day Transfer
Days Past Transfer (DPT) Embryo Development
One The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four Implantation continues
Five Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy
(from www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer)

Based on this information, implantaion just took place today so any "lines" I was getting were essentially caused by a "chemical pg" - which is when the egg fertilizes, but does not implant. I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying that the reason I have been so queasy today and so emotional and crampy is becuase Hans and Frans are snuggling in tight.

Trigger?

M! If you are reading this and want to be surprised on Wed stop reading now!!!

I gave in yesterday at 4dp5pt and POAS. I know some women think we shouldn’t do this, but I am with Sonya in feeling like it prepares me. Regardless of why, I did it.

I was pretty excited because I got a line. Albeit a very, very, faint one, but a line none the less. Yesterday’s test is the top one in the picture. Tested again today, really expecting the line to get darker, but if it is it is just a tiny bit darker. Today’s test looks lighter in the picture, but it is definitely as dark if not slightly dark IRL. Believe me I have stared at them enough to know. If they weren't pink, I would think they were evaps. (My camera hates taking pics of pg tests for some reason. They always come out horrible. So, I darkened the picture so you can better see what I see IRL) Ugh! Just looking at that picture is depressing.

Yesterday I was pretty excited. By the end of the day I had convinced myself that this was real. Today……well……. I am starting to doubt it. Shouldn’t today’s test have been noticeably darker? I am feeling pretty sad and missing Hans and Frans already. Which I know is stupid, I am only 10DPO and 5dp5dt.

It is possible that it is still just the trigger, though if it is my body certainly likes to hang onto that trigger. I triggered on Feb 1st and took 7,500IU. Which is 2,500IU less than the norm. For most people it would be out of their system within 10days on a full dose. I am 12 days past trigger with ¾ of a dose.

On another note; I have had extreme nausea today. I am fairly certain it is from the estrace. I took it last night before bed with the rest of my vitamins and have felt pretty rotten all day. Is anyone else taking this? Are you having any side effects? This stuff is crazy. Directly on the bottle is says “do not take if pregnant or planning to become pregnant.” So I googled it and found that it is category X for pregnancy and can cause birth defects. Does anyone else find this concerning?

Here is the only real explanation I could find for why it would be prescribed during with IVF “One of the major hormones of pregnancy, estrogen helps maintain the endometrial lining of the uterus”. It came from a discussion on About.com regarding PCOS.

I am all over the board today. From a weeping emotional, queasy mess; to grumpy; to positive it worked. I just need to know!! Apparently, I am not as patient of a person as I thought I was.

**If you are having trouble posting comments on this post can you let me know on a earlier post**

Funny Story…..

I had been meaning to share this, but just keep getting behind. Our daughter L is pretty much a part of everything we do. For example, we have three bathrooms in our house, yet the only one that ever gets any use is the master bath. Consequently, we knew that there was no way to hide from her the fact that I was to be getting a large number of shots. So, we started by allowing her to watch; which she found exceptionally fascinating. The first time she kept touching the spot on my leg asking if it hurt and when I told her not really, she kept saying “are you sure mom? Are you really sure?”

Since then she has decided she needs to participate. So she takes apart a pen and uses the center of the pen and proceeds to “poke” me whenever M is done. She then likes to put a band aid on the spot that I got poked. This has now become a part of our nightly routine, which she loves. She will actually remind us. I think I might have a little doctor on my hands.

Retrieval, Transfer, Frosties……..Oh my!

How did I get so far behind? Lets see if I can do an update, but try and keep it short.

Retrieval~I went in for my Egg Retrieval on February 3. Oddly, the same day Big T was having a complete knee replacement, in the same hospital. I was super nervous. We went in M left his contribution in the Doc T’s office and we went upstairs to the surgical waiting room, to keep my mom company. When we went back down stairs of course the anesthesiologist was late. So, I sat there in my Oh so Lovely gown chatting with the nurses. Finally, the anesthesiologist got there and let me just say he was not the best I have encountered. But he did the job and I did not feel a thing.

When I was first waking up, a nurse came in and said 17. We got 17. Then a couple seconds later another nurse came in and said count is now 21. THEN another nurse came in and said count is now 23! I was ecstatic to say the least. In my still drugged state, I kept saying every few minutes “23 eggs!” M was cracking up.

Big T was out of Surgery but in recovery. So, we met my mom for lunch. I ate like a horse. It was insane. I had no idea I was that hungry. After that I went home and went to bed.

The next morning, we found out 20 were mature and 14 Fertilized with ICSI. The next few days were pretty uneventful. Aside from the fact that I was horribly constipated and had mild OHSS, I think.

Transfer~On the 8th, we went in for our 5 day transfer. Whoo Hoo! We transferred one “perfect” blast and one “early” blast. Everyone always wants to know the grading, but I didn’t ask, because it would just give me something else to worry about. Though Doc T kept saying the one was “perfect” over and over.

It was actually a somewhat amusing experience, maybe it was the valium or the extreme need to pee. But while we were waiting I kept cracking the dumbest jokes. I told M I wanted to call our embryos Hans and Frans. I don’t know if you remember the old skit from SNL. My other mom and her DH do a Hans and Frans impression that always cracks me up. M suggested Savings and Loan, LOL. It seems like Hans and Frans has stuck; Though every time I call them that M tells me “don’t call them that.” Yet, I have heard him refer to them as that. It is becoming a joke between us. I will ask him to do something and he will say “why can’t you” my response has become “because I am helping Hans and Frans grow.” LOL. (That is a picture of my babies Hans and Frans)

Anyway, prior to transfer, my doc and M kept making comments like “are you sure you want to transfer to two?” Which was adding to the nerves. The nurse said the doc does it because he feels like he has to for SART regulations. M was doing just because he thinks it is funny when I get nervous. Men!

Afterwards while we were waiting. M sang them a little song it went something like this “stick little embryos, stick, But preferably only one. And whatever you do, don’t split.” It was hilarious!

I have survived bed rest and am back on my feet. Though, I am super nervous about that. I am so afraid I am going to do something that is going to dislodge those little babies and make them fall out. I will continue to try and take it easy for the next few days. Though not sure M is going to allow that, I think he is sick of waiting on me.

I found out today that we only ended up with 5 frosties. I don’t know why but that number makes me kind of sad. I was really hoping for more. But it is what it is. I have my 5 little guys on ice, hopefully, I won’t need them.

I am super emotional today. I don't even know why. I know this post stinks, but I keep getting all weepy and am having trouble writing. Ugh! I guess the PIO is kicking in.

Blogger Award – Thanks Sonya!

Today really has been a great day. I found out I am triggering tonight. I have lots of great follies and I was nominated by Sonya for the Beautiful Blogger Award. http://sonyaspages.blogspot.com/Sonya is an incredible writer, mother, friend and daughter. Her strength and constant perseverance are inspiring. I find myself looking forward to new posts from her. I am hoping and praying that she gets her sticky BFP.

My duties as a nonimated Beautiful Blogger Award are as follows:

- Thank the person who nominated me and copy the award in my blog
- Link the person who nominated me for this award
- Share seven interesting things about myself
- Nominate seven fellow bloggers and add the links to their blogs

Interesting Things About Me:
1. I have lived in the same city my entire life.

2. I have a degree in communications, but have never used it. Instead I work in real estate and for the CFO of the largest independent mortgage company in the state. I have been working for this mortgage company since I was 17 and started out as a part-time receptionist and worked my way up to the position I am in now.

3. My favorite hobby is looking at houses. I think sometimes that is the reason I keep my real estate license active. So, that I can look at houses whenever I want.

4. I don’t watch a lot of TV. I prefer to read. I will read pretty much anything that I find. My minor is in Early English Literature.

5. My family is the most important thing in my life. I have two sisters and one brother. I have two nieces and two nephews and I adore them. I am incredibly lucky in that not only do I have my mom and dad but I also have my step-dad. I couldn’t imagine my life if my mom hadn’t married him. He is very much my father in a lot of ways more than my real father. I have the most incredible husband and daughter. If I had nothing else, but had my family I would still consider myself incredibly blessed.

6. I love to do remodeling projects around the house.
7. I love to travel. I will go anywhere I get the opportunity to go. When someone asks my dream vacation, I really don’t know. There are so many places I would like to see and things I would like to experience.

I would like to nominate:

http://eileenburnsjin.blogspot.com/

http://smartone.typepad.com/

http://www.jennlynnb.blogspot.com/

http://www.ngowhitcombfamily.blogspot.com/

http://hurdles-lifelovefamily.blogspot.com/

http://sonyaspages.blogspot.com/

Oops! Guess I overreacted

It looks like I overreacted on Saturday. I think it was just that things weren’t going the way I expected and Doc C, as nice as he is, just isn’t my doc. I was feeling pretty insecure about the situation.

Doc T was back today. Thank goodness! I made M go with me this morning to make sure we got all of our questions answered and were both comfortable with the directions things are going. He had been staying behind with L so that we didn’t have to take her.

The NP, my favorite, came in followed by two nurses and Doc T. It was a little crazy to have everyone in the room. Everything looked GREAT. There was at least 9 on the left over 14mm and I think just as many on the right; though in size the right is somewhat ahead of left. There were quite a few of “intermediate” size on each side. Of course, Doc T was conversing with M over the NP trying to measure and read sizes, so I missed some of the measurements. The NP said we should get a min of 10 mature healthy eggs and she thinks that we will get more than that, but it is hard to tell.

Doc T said everything looked great and that we should get a lot of great eggies. He did lower my dose of HCG because he is still trying to be aware of OHSS. I forgot to ask what my E2 was on Saturday and Sunday, but I will ask tomorrow. But really I am not that concerned anymore. I feel like I am in good hands. Apparently, Doc T was supposed to be off today, but came in this morning specifically for my U/S. I just love him!

I think I was so nervous over the weekend because Doc C doesn’t communicate well and I think he just rushed through my U/S. I trust that he knows what he is doing, but I wish he would share that info with me.

Anyway, the point of all of this is I trigger TONIGHT! And have Egg Retrieval on Wednesday at 10AM! Whoo Hoo! I am really excited and nervous.

Frustration! Argh!

Frustration! Argh!

Jan 31 ~ I am feeling pretty discouraged and frustrated today. I guess it is just all part of the roller coaster. But I don’t like the way I am feeling. I told another IVFer a couple days ago that I was feeling very calm about all of this. I realized that I had done everything I could do and it was out of my hands and I was at peace about it all. Today that feeling is out the window. I am not enjoying the ride at the moment.

When I went to my follicle U/S appointment on Thursday the 28th, everything looked good still 15 good size follies and quite a few followers. The NP mentioned that they weren’t as large as they would like to see at that point. So, the doc came in and had a look as well. He agreed and had me have my estrogen checked. Assuming that my estrogen was low and he was going to have me start estrogen patches. Turns out my estrogen is high. How is that even possible? So, they lowered my doses. Had to go back Friday same situation, doses lowered. Went back today, same situation. Doses lowered and either the doc who did the U/S today was impatient and only measured the largest or quite a few of my follies are not growing at all.

The odd part about this all is that yesterday my E2 was only 1800 on day 7 of stims. That doesn’t seem very high to me. I don’t know what it is today, because M talked to the doc when he called, but even if it was 2800 I am on day 8, from what I have seen on the message boards, these seem like fairly normal numbers.

I am kind of assuming at this point that we are going to get cancelled. Which is super frustrating, but I don’t know what else they can do. I think by essentially stopping the meds we will end up with a lot of immature follicles, but if we keep going I am at extreme risk for OHSS. Apparently, my E2 levels are an indication that I have more follicles that they can see on the U/S.

My doctor is out of town until Monday for a family emergency so I have been seeing a colleague of his. Doc C (not my doc) says we just need to “tiptoe through the next couple of days and everything will be fine”. I for some reason don’t have a lot of faith at this point. I will wait until I see Doc T on Monday prior to pushing the subject, but I don’t want to continue on with stims and end up with a severe case of OHSS, but I don’t want to keep going without them and have a bunch of immature/empty follicles. What to do? What to do?

I want that feeling of peace back.

Here we goooooo……..

Jan 22 – I had my baseline U/S today. It didn’t go quite as well as I had hoped. They were looking at my lining and my antral follicle count; which is essentially the number of potential follicles that can develop during the cycle. They expect, in someone my age, to be able to see 15-25 total between each ovary. She only saw 4-5 on each ovary making a total potential of 8-10. Though I will say she had an extremely difficult time seeing my right ovary and it could be there were more she couldn’t see. I am really hoping that is the case. Vaginal U/S are never fun, but when they are having a hard time finding what they are looking for it becomes down right painful. It actually left me feeling sick to my stomach afterwards.

Because of the low AFC they upped my dosage of meds, which kind of freaked me out. I was originally supposed to be on 150IU follistim in the AM and 75IU Menopur in the PM. They changed it to 225IU Follistim in the AM and 75IU Menopur in the PM. It is kind of scary to be starting off on a negative.

I was pretty upset by all of this when I left the office. I know what I have read and women with 25 follies could only have 3 fertilize and women with 8 follies can have 7 fertilize, but I just think the odds for success are better the more follies you have. I am really hoping we have two 5d blasts to transfer and at least a few to freeze.

Anyway, I went from my baseline straight to my Acupuncture appointment. I actually sat in the car for a few minutes before going in because I was near tears. I explained the situation to my acupuncturist who said on top of the normal IVF points, she would do some for anxiety and stress.

I realized that I have been trying to carry the stress, anxiety and burden of all of this alone. So, while I was lying there, stuck with large numbers of needles with electrodes on some of them, I started praying. I prayed that God take my anxiety and my fear. I asked him to carry it for me. I know that it is his will that will be done. Nothing that I do can change anything. I have done and am doing everything in my power to create a child. There is nothing more I can do, it is not up to me. I have this picture in my head of a back pack that is full of all my worry and stress and anxiety about this whole process of IVF and trying to have another child. While lying on that table, I gave my back pack to God to carry for me. Now it is in much more capable hands than my own.

When I left the acupuncturist’s office it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I still really, really want this to work. But I know that even if it doesn’t I will be ok. We will move onto adoption knowing that we tried everything we could to have another baby. If it doesn’t work I will not just survive, I will thrive!

Every time I start to freak out now. I close my eyes apologize to God for taking the back pack back and hand it back to him. I am sure I sound crazy, but…………..the moment I do it I feel instant relief. I guess if my options are a stressed out and anxiety ridden or crazy. I will take crazy.

Jan 23-First day of stims – I have to start out my saying Thank goodness for M. I am a big wuss, when it comes to inflicting pain on myself. I have a huge threshold for pain, but cannot do it to myself. When I wax my bikini area, I can’t put the strips off. I can sit there for 10 minutes trying to psych myself out and I can never actually do it. I even have a lot of false starts. Eventually, I just call M in to pull it off for me. So, when it came time to stick myself with needles we both knew there was no way I was going to be able to do it. He has taken on that responsibility like a champ. Watching the video multiple times, asking the nurse awesome questions, mixing meds, cleaning stuff with the alcohol, etc. My husband is incredible!! I could not do this without him.

We woke up a little late so promptly decided we needed to give me my first shot right away. Amazingly it wasn’t bad. The Follistim pen made it really easy. M put the shot in with a little more force than necessary. Ok, maybe a lot more, I actually had a dent in my skin from the pen. But it wasn’t bad. I had a bruise from that one and it was tender for a couple hours, but that was it. The funny part was when M put the pen down his hands were shaking. He was really nervous. Who knew?

That night we did the first menopur shots. Those are a little more complicated. There is a lot of mixing and then switching of needles. We had some problems, wasted a little bit of the sterile water, but in the end it just burned a little. You can’t even see where the shot went in for that one. A lot of women complain about the menopur being really painful, but for me it was actually really easy. I told M that maybe it is all the extra skin left on my belly from having L. I knew there had to be a reason I was left with all this extra skin. 

BCP is not my friend!

It has been more than 7 years since the last time I was on The Pill. I had forgotten how strongly I dislike it. It makes me nauseous, it gives me severe headaches, my boobs hurt, I have gained 7lbs – yes I said 7 lbs in 22 days – and to top it all off it makes me whiney and depressed and grumpy. Is this just me? Am I the only freak in the world that cannot take The Pill. When I was telling my sister about all of this she looked at me like I was making it up. I am not making this up. It feels like torture. And my poor husband; I forgot the worst side effect of all! It completely takes away my libido. I mean non-existent. So, not only does he have to deal with me being an emotional wreck and a witch but he ain’t get any either. Poor, poor man!

In other news; I got my giant box of meds on Friday. We took it in the kitchen and spread it all out on the table. There is a ridiculous number of needles in there. M looked at me with a look of complete fear on his face and said “we are really doing this, huh?” Poor guy is not looking forward to sticking me with needles multiple times a day. I can’t blame him either. I am not really looking forward to it myself. But it will all me worth it.

I have my baseline U/S on Friday and then Saturday will start stims. I am so ready to do this already. I am just so anxious waiting.

What did you say?

Jan 6, 2010 – I had my calendar review today. Can you say overwhelming? The details of everything I have to remember and do is scary. I started to freak out. M and I had a conversation on the way into our appointment this morning about our fears, etc. I told him I was wavering on our decision to do IVF. He asked if I wanted another child. I said a resounding “yes.” He asked if I wanted to give birth to that child. This time my answer was “preferably.” But the reality is I would love to adopt. Yes, I want to give birth to my own child, but if I can’t, and very probably even if I can adoption is a great option. I asked him the same questions and for the first time he indicated adoption was something he really wanted to do. Ultimately, we decided we are going to go ahead with the IVF simply because if we don’t we know we will regret it in the future. We need to know that we did everything we could.

In my appointment today I asked the IVF coordinator what our chances were of success. She said that with my age and our factors, etc. we have a 67% chance of success. Really? I thought it was maybe a 50% chance. This is much higher than I ever expected. To add to this yesterday my acupuncturist told me that these treatments will increase my chance my 18% according to clinical studies. That means we have a combined chance of 85%! Be still my heart. My hopes of success just went through the roof!!

This whole time I have been trying to keep my hopes under control and today they just soared. I was trying to keep my hopes in check in order to keep myself from falling apart if it doesn’t work. But I am having trouble doing that now. Oops!

Feeling like a failure

Jan 3, 2009
I had a small breakdown tonight. Not really about IVF, but ultimately it was caused by our infertility issues. L and my niece, SN, are 5 months apart in age. They have always done everything together.

When they started pre-school I researched schools and chose one and my sister put SN there as well. We had agreed that when they were 4 we would move them to another local private school because the one they are at only goes through pre-k and the private school that we want them to attend elementary school at is difficult to get into if you don’t go to their Pre-K program.

Tonight we were discussing next year as we have to register them now for Pre-K. My sister now wants to leave my niece at the school they are currently at and then possibly send her to public school for Kindergarten. If we send the girls to public school for Kindergarten they will end up in different schools because of the school districts where we live. I got really upset and started crying on the way home. SN is the closest L may ever come to having a sister. I don’t want to take that away from her, but it seems like my sister does. Just writing about it is making me cry.

I want her to have what I had growing up. My siblings and I were so close. We still are. But when we were little it was always a huge comfort to know that if I needed them, they were close by. Just in another classroom. L, if I am completely honest with myself, will probably never have that. But I thought she would have her cousin. Now it looks like she won’t even have that and it really, really sucks. I feel like, in this aspect, I am failing her.

The Green Eyed Monster

BEWARE! Vent that will offend some to follow. I apologize in advance to anyone I offend. BUT it is my blog and my outlet so I should be able to say what I want.

I am a member of quite a few message boards and lurk on a few IVF boards. Lately it has come to my attention that women undergoing IF treatments don’t want to see kids in the waiting room of a Fertility clinic. It is too painful for them.

I understand this too an extent, but at the same time I find it frustrating. First, they don’t know this family’s situation. They don’t have any idea what lengths they went through to conceive that child. They don’t know if that is their biological child or not. They simply know nothing. Second, they don’t know why those people had to bring that child there. They aren’t doing it to hurt anyone. The parents of that child probably had no choice in the matter. I read one post that said, one parent should stay in the car with the child. Ummmmm………what if both parents need to be in the appointment?

I find it inconsiderate of these women to feel this way. I understand the parents already have a child and these women do not, but for one moment they need to open their hearts and consider what that couple is going through. Maybe they have to have genetic testing done on embryos because their older child has an incurable genetic disease. Maybe they just lost a baby at 30 weeks and are going back for their consult to start treatments again and cannot bear to be away from their child who is still alive. Maybe they simply, no matter how hard they tried, could not find a babysitter.

I do everything in my power to not bring L to the clinic with me, but every once in a while I have no choice. In July, my HCG came back really high during my ectopic and the docs office wanted to do another series of Methotrexate shots, immediately. My husband was at work and could not get off. And literally every member of my family was away on a vacation that I had to come home early from because there was concern that my tube would rupture while I was gone and I would die. So I took her with me. I had no other choice. I had to get the shots and I sure has H wasn’t leaving a 3 year old alone in the car.

At some point we have to stop focusing on our own pain and realize that life is going on around us and we can either learn to enjoy it or suffer in silence. I personally choose to embrace the children around me and look on them ALL as blessings. My best friend got pregnant six weeks after I did last winter. I lost my son. She didn’t. I could have pulled out of the friendship or at least pulled back. I chose not to. I hosted her baby shower of 50+ women. I have supported her and been there for her through out her pregnancy. When her son was born in November, I won’t lie, I had a few bad moments of tears and jealousy, but I pulled my head out of my arse and reminded myself that children are gifts. I hope to receive that gift again. BUT if I don’t I will not begrudge others being given that gift.

Instead of being bothered by children in an infertility clinic we should see it as a chance to rejoice and hope. Rejoice that a couple who had a reason to be in that clinic has a child. And hope that we are in that couple’s shoes one day. Back after our success ready to ride the roller coaster again.

Happy New Year!!

Jan 1, 2010 - Happy New Year! I am so happy to be done with 2009. It has been the year from hell. DH and I were discussing the last few years the other day and I have to say I am ready for some good news. We have had a rough few years personally. My dad’s family went berserk causing a huge lawsuit and to put it lightly there is no longer contact with that side of the family. Two of my grandparents died, both of M’s grandparents died. M’s mom was diagnosed with colon cancer, two pregnancy losses and one of our dogs died. That is just skimming the surface. Simply put; it has been rough.

Ironically, financially we are doing better than ever. The thing is, we would give up our financial status to have our lives go back to the way they were the year L was born. Yep, finically we were barely getting by, but we didn’t know the heartache we do now. Our families were intact. Here’s to a new decade and new hope for a bright new year! Come on 2010!

BW Results......

December 30th, 2009 – I got my CD3 BW results today but I missed the call. All I know is that everything looked very good and my infectious diseases were all negative. The only number given was for FSH which was 6.2 a good number from what I can tell. I wasn’t really worried but there is always the question in the back of your mind. Yay for good numbers!

I spoke with my acupuncturist this morning and she said she wants to see me twice a week for the four weeks before retrieval. 24 hours before retrieval, 24 hours before transfer and immediately following transfer. She said some people opt out of the one right after transfer because of the bed rest requirements. I am not sure what I will do there. But I know I will be getting poked A Lot in the next few weeks. Between the acupuncture and the stims I will be a big ol’ pin cushion.

I am better today; ready to get this ball rolling.