What does the future hold?

I don’t know. Next month will be the three year mark of TTCing baby number 2 for us. How long can we go on like this? One thing I know, is that no matter what the future holds, I will be happy! I have an incredible daughter, husband and extended family. I am already incredibly blessed.

I think we will transfer our frosties. If we are lucky we will get two transfers out of the five frosties we have. (Though, lucky isn’t really our thing. So I doubt that.) We should at least get one transfer and then I think we are done. We can’t spend the money for another fresh cycle. We have spent, with meds, about $17,000 so far. I can’t justify spending it again. The thought that we might not have another child breaks my heart, but at the same time I have to let go at some point. I say all of this now, but I realize it could change after we transfer our frosties. I am going to take it one day at a time for now.

It looks like we are going to do our frozen transfer at the beginning of May end of April. I need to schedule my follow-up appointment and find out exactly what the schedule is, but it looks like I won’t be having a 2010 baby after all.

We could cycle sooner, but we need the break. We are going to take L to Disney World for her 4th birthday in April and when we return we will cycle. I have been wanting to take her for a while, but we just couldn’t get the timing to work. I wanted to take her in Jan before we cycled, but we couldn’t swing the time off. Today I BOOKED it. It is irreversible. We are going to Disney World!

I don’t want to cycle before our trip, because who wants to do Disney pregnant? I also need some time to lose the ridiculous amount of weight I gained during this cycle. The last year has been very difficult. I need some time to just be.

I haven’t had a vacation since December of 08 that wasn’t tainted by all of the loss. Our annual Cabo trip was ruined by the ectopic. Our trip to the Bahamas was ruined by the loss of my son a few weeks prior to the trip. I need a vacation that can be a vacation without having to focus on all of this; without grieving, without pain.

Thank you all for all of your support through-out this process so far; a special thanks to Sonya your friendship has been invaluable. Knowing I had you all standing behind me, cheering for me was an incredible feeling. Thank you. I hope you will continue to follow my journey and keep in touch.

Beta Day

I went into today with little to no expectations. I tested yesterday, and it was the same line as the day before. I even cried on my way home from Beta.

Of course, I got the call as I was pulling out of the driveway on the way to a meeting that I could not miss. It was Doctor T. My beta was a 1. Yep that’s right, FRER apparently picks up a 1. He wants me to stay on the PIO and estrace until Friday and do another Beta then, just to be sure I don’t have a very late implanter. But there really isn’t any hope.

The hardest part about the call was that he kept apologizing. He really thought this was going to work. At least 5 times in the call he said how sorry he was and that he really wasn’t expecting this. Me either. I really thought it was gonna work.

Why didn’t it? Maybe I really am not supposed to have anymore kids. I feel a huge sense of loss. It is almost like I had a miscarriage. It really, really hurts. I thought I would handle it better. But I don’t think I realized how attached I would become to my embryos. I am just so sad and disappointed.

I will post more later about our plans for the future, etc. For now I need to go cuddle with L.

Mayor of Crazy Town

I am a member of a couple online forums regarding IVF. These forums have been a great source of support for me through this process and a great outlet for my emotions. On one particular thread, the other member’s discourage testing early. They feel the sticks are “evil.” In some ways they are right. Those little pink lines can take you to the highest of highs and lowest of lows and aren’t 100% accurate. If you test or begin obsessing over symptoms they say you are entering crazy town.

Today I am announcing my candidacy for Mayor of Crazy Town!

As many of you know I had POAS last week (a few times) and I wasn’t sure of the results. I thought they could be the trigger, evaps or just a really early positive. Yesterday I tested again. It was negative. There was no denying it. It was stark white. You could even see the indention where the second line should have been.

I am not proud to admit this, but I crashed. I completely fell apart. I cried and cried. I told M I wasn’t sure I wanted to transfer our frosties because I wasn’t sure I could handle the emotional side of it all. I spent the morning in bed wallowing in my own self-pity. I didn’t even go to church. I sent M with L and my niece and stayed in bed. I did finally get out of bed in the afternoon and started planning a trip to Disney World for L’s 4th birthday in April. Something I will not do if I am pregnant. I pulled myself out of my despair and started making plans for the future.

To all you who think I completely overreacted. The last time I was pg I had a beta of 14 and I had a definite positive on an FRER. The fact that at 11DPO there was no evidence of a line was a pretty strong indication that there was NO HCG in my blood.

Fast forward to this morning, I tested again. I know crazy, right? Why do you think I have nominated myself as Mayor of Crazy town?

This test was positive! What?!?!?! I had accepted I wasn’t pg and was just POAS to keep me from getting my hopes up between now and beta. But this is the most positive of them all. The line came up almost immediately. It is still exceptionally faint, but it is most definitely there. I don’t know what to think. Chemical? Resurgence of trigger? Or could I possible be……………I am afraid to even type it. One thing I can tell you with 100% certainty is that this is not the trigger. (When looking at the picture remember, iti s completely unedited, so you can no longer see the line from 4dp5dt and today's looks really faint, but IRL today's is faint, but you don't have to squint or even really look for it. It is really, really obvious!)

As you can see, I am truly the best candidate for Mayor of Crazy town.

Trigger?

M! If you are reading this and want to be surprised on Wed stop reading now!!!

I gave in yesterday at 4dp5pt and POAS. I know some women think we shouldn’t do this, but I am with Sonya in feeling like it prepares me. Regardless of why, I did it.

I was pretty excited because I got a line. Albeit a very, very, faint one, but a line none the less. Yesterday’s test is the top one in the picture. Tested again today, really expecting the line to get darker, but if it is it is just a tiny bit darker. Today’s test looks lighter in the picture, but it is definitely as dark if not slightly dark IRL. Believe me I have stared at them enough to know. If they weren't pink, I would think they were evaps. (My camera hates taking pics of pg tests for some reason. They always come out horrible. So, I darkened the picture so you can better see what I see IRL) Ugh! Just looking at that picture is depressing.

Yesterday I was pretty excited. By the end of the day I had convinced myself that this was real. Today……well……. I am starting to doubt it. Shouldn’t today’s test have been noticeably darker? I am feeling pretty sad and missing Hans and Frans already. Which I know is stupid, I am only 10DPO and 5dp5dt.

It is possible that it is still just the trigger, though if it is my body certainly likes to hang onto that trigger. I triggered on Feb 1st and took 7,500IU. Which is 2,500IU less than the norm. For most people it would be out of their system within 10days on a full dose. I am 12 days past trigger with ¾ of a dose.

On another note; I have had extreme nausea today. I am fairly certain it is from the estrace. I took it last night before bed with the rest of my vitamins and have felt pretty rotten all day. Is anyone else taking this? Are you having any side effects? This stuff is crazy. Directly on the bottle is says “do not take if pregnant or planning to become pregnant.” So I googled it and found that it is category X for pregnancy and can cause birth defects. Does anyone else find this concerning?

Here is the only real explanation I could find for why it would be prescribed during with IVF “One of the major hormones of pregnancy, estrogen helps maintain the endometrial lining of the uterus”. It came from a discussion on About.com regarding PCOS.

I am all over the board today. From a weeping emotional, queasy mess; to grumpy; to positive it worked. I just need to know!! Apparently, I am not as patient of a person as I thought I was.

**If you are having trouble posting comments on this post can you let me know on a earlier post**

Funny Story…..

I had been meaning to share this, but just keep getting behind. Our daughter L is pretty much a part of everything we do. For example, we have three bathrooms in our house, yet the only one that ever gets any use is the master bath. Consequently, we knew that there was no way to hide from her the fact that I was to be getting a large number of shots. So, we started by allowing her to watch; which she found exceptionally fascinating. The first time she kept touching the spot on my leg asking if it hurt and when I told her not really, she kept saying “are you sure mom? Are you really sure?”

Since then she has decided she needs to participate. So she takes apart a pen and uses the center of the pen and proceeds to “poke” me whenever M is done. She then likes to put a band aid on the spot that I got poked. This has now become a part of our nightly routine, which she loves. She will actually remind us. I think I might have a little doctor on my hands.

Retrieval, Transfer, Frosties……..Oh my!

How did I get so far behind? Lets see if I can do an update, but try and keep it short.

Retrieval~I went in for my Egg Retrieval on February 3. Oddly, the same day Big T was having a complete knee replacement, in the same hospital. I was super nervous. We went in M left his contribution in the Doc T’s office and we went upstairs to the surgical waiting room, to keep my mom company. When we went back down stairs of course the anesthesiologist was late. So, I sat there in my Oh so Lovely gown chatting with the nurses. Finally, the anesthesiologist got there and let me just say he was not the best I have encountered. But he did the job and I did not feel a thing.

When I was first waking up, a nurse came in and said 17. We got 17. Then a couple seconds later another nurse came in and said count is now 21. THEN another nurse came in and said count is now 23! I was ecstatic to say the least. In my still drugged state, I kept saying every few minutes “23 eggs!” M was cracking up.

Big T was out of Surgery but in recovery. So, we met my mom for lunch. I ate like a horse. It was insane. I had no idea I was that hungry. After that I went home and went to bed.

The next morning, we found out 20 were mature and 14 Fertilized with ICSI. The next few days were pretty uneventful. Aside from the fact that I was horribly constipated and had mild OHSS, I think.

Transfer~On the 8th, we went in for our 5 day transfer. Whoo Hoo! We transferred one “perfect” blast and one “early” blast. Everyone always wants to know the grading, but I didn’t ask, because it would just give me something else to worry about. Though Doc T kept saying the one was “perfect” over and over.

It was actually a somewhat amusing experience, maybe it was the valium or the extreme need to pee. But while we were waiting I kept cracking the dumbest jokes. I told M I wanted to call our embryos Hans and Frans. I don’t know if you remember the old skit from SNL. My other mom and her DH do a Hans and Frans impression that always cracks me up. M suggested Savings and Loan, LOL. It seems like Hans and Frans has stuck; Though every time I call them that M tells me “don’t call them that.” Yet, I have heard him refer to them as that. It is becoming a joke between us. I will ask him to do something and he will say “why can’t you” my response has become “because I am helping Hans and Frans grow.” LOL. (That is a picture of my babies Hans and Frans)

Anyway, prior to transfer, my doc and M kept making comments like “are you sure you want to transfer to two?” Which was adding to the nerves. The nurse said the doc does it because he feels like he has to for SART regulations. M was doing just because he thinks it is funny when I get nervous. Men!

Afterwards while we were waiting. M sang them a little song it went something like this “stick little embryos, stick, But preferably only one. And whatever you do, don’t split.” It was hilarious!

I have survived bed rest and am back on my feet. Though, I am super nervous about that. I am so afraid I am going to do something that is going to dislodge those little babies and make them fall out. I will continue to try and take it easy for the next few days. Though not sure M is going to allow that, I think he is sick of waiting on me.

I found out today that we only ended up with 5 frosties. I don’t know why but that number makes me kind of sad. I was really hoping for more. But it is what it is. I have my 5 little guys on ice, hopefully, I won’t need them.

I am super emotional today. I don't even know why. I know this post stinks, but I keep getting all weepy and am having trouble writing. Ugh! I guess the PIO is kicking in.

Frustration! Argh!

Frustration! Argh!

Jan 31 ~ I am feeling pretty discouraged and frustrated today. I guess it is just all part of the roller coaster. But I don’t like the way I am feeling. I told another IVFer a couple days ago that I was feeling very calm about all of this. I realized that I had done everything I could do and it was out of my hands and I was at peace about it all. Today that feeling is out the window. I am not enjoying the ride at the moment.

When I went to my follicle U/S appointment on Thursday the 28th, everything looked good still 15 good size follies and quite a few followers. The NP mentioned that they weren’t as large as they would like to see at that point. So, the doc came in and had a look as well. He agreed and had me have my estrogen checked. Assuming that my estrogen was low and he was going to have me start estrogen patches. Turns out my estrogen is high. How is that even possible? So, they lowered my doses. Had to go back Friday same situation, doses lowered. Went back today, same situation. Doses lowered and either the doc who did the U/S today was impatient and only measured the largest or quite a few of my follies are not growing at all.

The odd part about this all is that yesterday my E2 was only 1800 on day 7 of stims. That doesn’t seem very high to me. I don’t know what it is today, because M talked to the doc when he called, but even if it was 2800 I am on day 8, from what I have seen on the message boards, these seem like fairly normal numbers.

I am kind of assuming at this point that we are going to get cancelled. Which is super frustrating, but I don’t know what else they can do. I think by essentially stopping the meds we will end up with a lot of immature follicles, but if we keep going I am at extreme risk for OHSS. Apparently, my E2 levels are an indication that I have more follicles that they can see on the U/S.

My doctor is out of town until Monday for a family emergency so I have been seeing a colleague of his. Doc C (not my doc) says we just need to “tiptoe through the next couple of days and everything will be fine”. I for some reason don’t have a lot of faith at this point. I will wait until I see Doc T on Monday prior to pushing the subject, but I don’t want to continue on with stims and end up with a severe case of OHSS, but I don’t want to keep going without them and have a bunch of immature/empty follicles. What to do? What to do?

I want that feeling of peace back.

Here we goooooo……..

Jan 22 – I had my baseline U/S today. It didn’t go quite as well as I had hoped. They were looking at my lining and my antral follicle count; which is essentially the number of potential follicles that can develop during the cycle. They expect, in someone my age, to be able to see 15-25 total between each ovary. She only saw 4-5 on each ovary making a total potential of 8-10. Though I will say she had an extremely difficult time seeing my right ovary and it could be there were more she couldn’t see. I am really hoping that is the case. Vaginal U/S are never fun, but when they are having a hard time finding what they are looking for it becomes down right painful. It actually left me feeling sick to my stomach afterwards.

Because of the low AFC they upped my dosage of meds, which kind of freaked me out. I was originally supposed to be on 150IU follistim in the AM and 75IU Menopur in the PM. They changed it to 225IU Follistim in the AM and 75IU Menopur in the PM. It is kind of scary to be starting off on a negative.

I was pretty upset by all of this when I left the office. I know what I have read and women with 25 follies could only have 3 fertilize and women with 8 follies can have 7 fertilize, but I just think the odds for success are better the more follies you have. I am really hoping we have two 5d blasts to transfer and at least a few to freeze.

Anyway, I went from my baseline straight to my Acupuncture appointment. I actually sat in the car for a few minutes before going in because I was near tears. I explained the situation to my acupuncturist who said on top of the normal IVF points, she would do some for anxiety and stress.

I realized that I have been trying to carry the stress, anxiety and burden of all of this alone. So, while I was lying there, stuck with large numbers of needles with electrodes on some of them, I started praying. I prayed that God take my anxiety and my fear. I asked him to carry it for me. I know that it is his will that will be done. Nothing that I do can change anything. I have done and am doing everything in my power to create a child. There is nothing more I can do, it is not up to me. I have this picture in my head of a back pack that is full of all my worry and stress and anxiety about this whole process of IVF and trying to have another child. While lying on that table, I gave my back pack to God to carry for me. Now it is in much more capable hands than my own.

When I left the acupuncturist’s office it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I still really, really want this to work. But I know that even if it doesn’t I will be ok. We will move onto adoption knowing that we tried everything we could to have another baby. If it doesn’t work I will not just survive, I will thrive!

Every time I start to freak out now. I close my eyes apologize to God for taking the back pack back and hand it back to him. I am sure I sound crazy, but…………..the moment I do it I feel instant relief. I guess if my options are a stressed out and anxiety ridden or crazy. I will take crazy.

Jan 23-First day of stims – I have to start out my saying Thank goodness for M. I am a big wuss, when it comes to inflicting pain on myself. I have a huge threshold for pain, but cannot do it to myself. When I wax my bikini area, I can’t put the strips off. I can sit there for 10 minutes trying to psych myself out and I can never actually do it. I even have a lot of false starts. Eventually, I just call M in to pull it off for me. So, when it came time to stick myself with needles we both knew there was no way I was going to be able to do it. He has taken on that responsibility like a champ. Watching the video multiple times, asking the nurse awesome questions, mixing meds, cleaning stuff with the alcohol, etc. My husband is incredible!! I could not do this without him.

We woke up a little late so promptly decided we needed to give me my first shot right away. Amazingly it wasn’t bad. The Follistim pen made it really easy. M put the shot in with a little more force than necessary. Ok, maybe a lot more, I actually had a dent in my skin from the pen. But it wasn’t bad. I had a bruise from that one and it was tender for a couple hours, but that was it. The funny part was when M put the pen down his hands were shaking. He was really nervous. Who knew?

That night we did the first menopur shots. Those are a little more complicated. There is a lot of mixing and then switching of needles. We had some problems, wasted a little bit of the sterile water, but in the end it just burned a little. You can’t even see where the shot went in for that one. A lot of women complain about the menopur being really painful, but for me it was actually really easy. I told M that maybe it is all the extra skin left on my belly from having L. I knew there had to be a reason I was left with all this extra skin. 