A New Cycle & A New Look

We are starting a new cycle now, so I thought it was time for a new look. What do you think?

We had our follow-up with Doc T in March. It went pretty much as I expected. “I am so sorry, I don’t know what happened. I really thought this would work. How are you holding up?” Blah, blah, blah.

I cried a little bit. I cried because I was reminded of the hope that I had; the hopes that were completely dashed. And I cried because I realized that though we will go through with the Frozen transfer I don’t have much hope of success.

Doc T explained that he thinks the only thing that could have caused our failure was fluid from my left tube; which is blocked from my ectopic. Though, he really doesn’t think there was any present as they can normally see it on ultrasound.

The plan at this point is to plan on doing our Frozen Transfer on May 18th and closely watch my lining. If at any point there is any sign of fluid, we will cancel the cycle and he wants me to have surgery to either remove or tie off my left tube. And then we will try the frozen transfer once I am healed from surgery.

At this point, I am not feeling much about this plan. I am not scared, I am not nervous, but at the same time I am not hopeful. I am pretty much numb. It makes me kind of sad that I feel this way, I miss that beautiful feeling of hope that I had before my IVF, but at the same time, I would rather be numb then get my hopes up again and have them destroyed again.

The only problem is that they put me back on the BCP. Which is not my friend. It brought out my inner witch as well as made me gain weight again. I have gained about 20lbs now between the two cycles.

The Lupron is making me weepy and emotional. Tomorrow I get to add in Estrogen.

Let the good times roll.

Transferring the Obsession

The few of you who have been following me are probably wondering where I have been and what I have been up to the last few weeks.

I discovered that I need something else to occupy my mind and my time. When we decided to do IVF, I became completely obsessed. I read anything and everything I could find; from research to message boards, to blogs. IVF became my life. When it didn’t work, I realized almost immediately that I had to find something else to occupy my time or I was going to go crazy. So that is what I did.

I became completely obsessed with planning our trip to Disney. I mean that very literally. I have read two very large books on the matter, I have looked at pretty much everything online. I have made countless reservations. I even created a fairly detailed multi-page itinerary showing what parks we are going to visit and when. I even created alternate “options” for the older people that are going with us.

This reminds me, what started out as a family vacation for the three of us has turned into a large extended family vacation. Originally, we invited my niece to go with us. Then my mom decided she wanted to go, so my younger sister decided to go as well. Then my other sister (niece’s mom) decided to go as well. When my in-laws found out that everyone was going my MIL wanted to go as well. So needless to say what started out as a small family vacation has turned into a large family vacation.

Once I became bored with the Disney obsession. I had to find something else to occupy me. My next obsession was redecorating L’s room. We repainted and added a chair rail and crown molding. Her room went from being OK to really very beautiful.

I then moved onto looking for a new house. Yep, I am crazy I want to move. We made an offer on a bank owned property a couple weeks ago and still don’t know if we got it or not. My gut says not. But if we did, then I get to become obsessed with renting or selling our house. Packing and decorating the new house. If we didn’t then we get to keep looking. Fun either way. I am certifiably crazy I know.

In the midst of all the distracting myself, I got crazy busy with work, which helped continue the distraction. All in all, I have kept myself very busy. Not thinking about our BFN and not focusing on the future of TTC.

When we do start to TTC again, I will do my very best to continue trying to not obsess about it. I have reached the point where I am beginning accept that another child may not be in the cards for us. I need to continue on this path. If it happens I will be ecstatic, but if it doesn’t I need to know that I will be ok. That I can look toward the future and know that it will be beautiful with or without another baby.