What does the future hold?

I don’t know. Next month will be the three year mark of TTCing baby number 2 for us. How long can we go on like this? One thing I know, is that no matter what the future holds, I will be happy! I have an incredible daughter, husband and extended family. I am already incredibly blessed.

I think we will transfer our frosties. If we are lucky we will get two transfers out of the five frosties we have. (Though, lucky isn’t really our thing. So I doubt that.) We should at least get one transfer and then I think we are done. We can’t spend the money for another fresh cycle. We have spent, with meds, about $17,000 so far. I can’t justify spending it again. The thought that we might not have another child breaks my heart, but at the same time I have to let go at some point. I say all of this now, but I realize it could change after we transfer our frosties. I am going to take it one day at a time for now.

It looks like we are going to do our frozen transfer at the beginning of May end of April. I need to schedule my follow-up appointment and find out exactly what the schedule is, but it looks like I won’t be having a 2010 baby after all.

We could cycle sooner, but we need the break. We are going to take L to Disney World for her 4th birthday in April and when we return we will cycle. I have been wanting to take her for a while, but we just couldn’t get the timing to work. I wanted to take her in Jan before we cycled, but we couldn’t swing the time off. Today I BOOKED it. It is irreversible. We are going to Disney World!

I don’t want to cycle before our trip, because who wants to do Disney pregnant? I also need some time to lose the ridiculous amount of weight I gained during this cycle. The last year has been very difficult. I need some time to just be.

I haven’t had a vacation since December of 08 that wasn’t tainted by all of the loss. Our annual Cabo trip was ruined by the ectopic. Our trip to the Bahamas was ruined by the loss of my son a few weeks prior to the trip. I need a vacation that can be a vacation without having to focus on all of this; without grieving, without pain.

Thank you all for all of your support through-out this process so far; a special thanks to Sonya your friendship has been invaluable. Knowing I had you all standing behind me, cheering for me was an incredible feeling. Thank you. I hope you will continue to follow my journey and keep in touch.

Beta Day

I went into today with little to no expectations. I tested yesterday, and it was the same line as the day before. I even cried on my way home from Beta.

Of course, I got the call as I was pulling out of the driveway on the way to a meeting that I could not miss. It was Doctor T. My beta was a 1. Yep that’s right, FRER apparently picks up a 1. He wants me to stay on the PIO and estrace until Friday and do another Beta then, just to be sure I don’t have a very late implanter. But there really isn’t any hope.

The hardest part about the call was that he kept apologizing. He really thought this was going to work. At least 5 times in the call he said how sorry he was and that he really wasn’t expecting this. Me either. I really thought it was gonna work.

Why didn’t it? Maybe I really am not supposed to have anymore kids. I feel a huge sense of loss. It is almost like I had a miscarriage. It really, really hurts. I thought I would handle it better. But I don’t think I realized how attached I would become to my embryos. I am just so sad and disappointed.

I will post more later about our plans for the future, etc. For now I need to go cuddle with L.

Mayor of Crazy Town

I am a member of a couple online forums regarding IVF. These forums have been a great source of support for me through this process and a great outlet for my emotions. On one particular thread, the other member’s discourage testing early. They feel the sticks are “evil.” In some ways they are right. Those little pink lines can take you to the highest of highs and lowest of lows and aren’t 100% accurate. If you test or begin obsessing over symptoms they say you are entering crazy town.

Today I am announcing my candidacy for Mayor of Crazy Town!

As many of you know I had POAS last week (a few times) and I wasn’t sure of the results. I thought they could be the trigger, evaps or just a really early positive. Yesterday I tested again. It was negative. There was no denying it. It was stark white. You could even see the indention where the second line should have been.

I am not proud to admit this, but I crashed. I completely fell apart. I cried and cried. I told M I wasn’t sure I wanted to transfer our frosties because I wasn’t sure I could handle the emotional side of it all. I spent the morning in bed wallowing in my own self-pity. I didn’t even go to church. I sent M with L and my niece and stayed in bed. I did finally get out of bed in the afternoon and started planning a trip to Disney World for L’s 4th birthday in April. Something I will not do if I am pregnant. I pulled myself out of my despair and started making plans for the future.

To all you who think I completely overreacted. The last time I was pg I had a beta of 14 and I had a definite positive on an FRER. The fact that at 11DPO there was no evidence of a line was a pretty strong indication that there was NO HCG in my blood.

Fast forward to this morning, I tested again. I know crazy, right? Why do you think I have nominated myself as Mayor of Crazy town?

This test was positive! What?!?!?! I had accepted I wasn’t pg and was just POAS to keep me from getting my hopes up between now and beta. But this is the most positive of them all. The line came up almost immediately. It is still exceptionally faint, but it is most definitely there. I don’t know what to think. Chemical? Resurgence of trigger? Or could I possible be……………I am afraid to even type it. One thing I can tell you with 100% certainty is that this is not the trigger. (When looking at the picture remember, iti s completely unedited, so you can no longer see the line from 4dp5dt and today's looks really faint, but IRL today's is faint, but you don't have to squint or even really look for it. It is really, really obvious!)

As you can see, I am truly the best candidate for Mayor of Crazy town.

Intersting Info

In my obsessive state of mind I came accross this info this evening:

Once you complete your embryo transfer, you will have approximately 1½ weeks to wait before a pregnancy can be detected. The following tables outline an approximate timeline for what happens during a successful pregnancy after a 3-day transfer (3dt) and a 5-day transfer (5dt).

3-Day Transfer
Days Past Transfer (DPT) Embryo Development
One The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six Implantation continues
Seven Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

5-Day Transfer
Days Past Transfer (DPT) Embryo Development
One The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four Implantation continues
Five Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy
(from www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer)

Based on this information, implantaion just took place today so any "lines" I was getting were essentially caused by a "chemical pg" - which is when the egg fertilizes, but does not implant. I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying that the reason I have been so queasy today and so emotional and crampy is becuase Hans and Frans are snuggling in tight.

Trigger?

M! If you are reading this and want to be surprised on Wed stop reading now!!!

I gave in yesterday at 4dp5pt and POAS. I know some women think we shouldn’t do this, but I am with Sonya in feeling like it prepares me. Regardless of why, I did it.

I was pretty excited because I got a line. Albeit a very, very, faint one, but a line none the less. Yesterday’s test is the top one in the picture. Tested again today, really expecting the line to get darker, but if it is it is just a tiny bit darker. Today’s test looks lighter in the picture, but it is definitely as dark if not slightly dark IRL. Believe me I have stared at them enough to know. If they weren't pink, I would think they were evaps. (My camera hates taking pics of pg tests for some reason. They always come out horrible. So, I darkened the picture so you can better see what I see IRL) Ugh! Just looking at that picture is depressing.

Yesterday I was pretty excited. By the end of the day I had convinced myself that this was real. Today……well……. I am starting to doubt it. Shouldn’t today’s test have been noticeably darker? I am feeling pretty sad and missing Hans and Frans already. Which I know is stupid, I am only 10DPO and 5dp5dt.

It is possible that it is still just the trigger, though if it is my body certainly likes to hang onto that trigger. I triggered on Feb 1st and took 7,500IU. Which is 2,500IU less than the norm. For most people it would be out of their system within 10days on a full dose. I am 12 days past trigger with ¾ of a dose.

On another note; I have had extreme nausea today. I am fairly certain it is from the estrace. I took it last night before bed with the rest of my vitamins and have felt pretty rotten all day. Is anyone else taking this? Are you having any side effects? This stuff is crazy. Directly on the bottle is says “do not take if pregnant or planning to become pregnant.” So I googled it and found that it is category X for pregnancy and can cause birth defects. Does anyone else find this concerning?

Here is the only real explanation I could find for why it would be prescribed during with IVF “One of the major hormones of pregnancy, estrogen helps maintain the endometrial lining of the uterus”. It came from a discussion on About.com regarding PCOS.

I am all over the board today. From a weeping emotional, queasy mess; to grumpy; to positive it worked. I just need to know!! Apparently, I am not as patient of a person as I thought I was.

**If you are having trouble posting comments on this post can you let me know on a earlier post**

Funny Story…..

I had been meaning to share this, but just keep getting behind. Our daughter L is pretty much a part of everything we do. For example, we have three bathrooms in our house, yet the only one that ever gets any use is the master bath. Consequently, we knew that there was no way to hide from her the fact that I was to be getting a large number of shots. So, we started by allowing her to watch; which she found exceptionally fascinating. The first time she kept touching the spot on my leg asking if it hurt and when I told her not really, she kept saying “are you sure mom? Are you really sure?”

Since then she has decided she needs to participate. So she takes apart a pen and uses the center of the pen and proceeds to “poke” me whenever M is done. She then likes to put a band aid on the spot that I got poked. This has now become a part of our nightly routine, which she loves. She will actually remind us. I think I might have a little doctor on my hands.

Retrieval, Transfer, Frosties……..Oh my!

How did I get so far behind? Lets see if I can do an update, but try and keep it short.

Retrieval~I went in for my Egg Retrieval on February 3. Oddly, the same day Big T was having a complete knee replacement, in the same hospital. I was super nervous. We went in M left his contribution in the Doc T’s office and we went upstairs to the surgical waiting room, to keep my mom company. When we went back down stairs of course the anesthesiologist was late. So, I sat there in my Oh so Lovely gown chatting with the nurses. Finally, the anesthesiologist got there and let me just say he was not the best I have encountered. But he did the job and I did not feel a thing.

When I was first waking up, a nurse came in and said 17. We got 17. Then a couple seconds later another nurse came in and said count is now 21. THEN another nurse came in and said count is now 23! I was ecstatic to say the least. In my still drugged state, I kept saying every few minutes “23 eggs!” M was cracking up.

Big T was out of Surgery but in recovery. So, we met my mom for lunch. I ate like a horse. It was insane. I had no idea I was that hungry. After that I went home and went to bed.

The next morning, we found out 20 were mature and 14 Fertilized with ICSI. The next few days were pretty uneventful. Aside from the fact that I was horribly constipated and had mild OHSS, I think.

Transfer~On the 8th, we went in for our 5 day transfer. Whoo Hoo! We transferred one “perfect” blast and one “early” blast. Everyone always wants to know the grading, but I didn’t ask, because it would just give me something else to worry about. Though Doc T kept saying the one was “perfect” over and over.

It was actually a somewhat amusing experience, maybe it was the valium or the extreme need to pee. But while we were waiting I kept cracking the dumbest jokes. I told M I wanted to call our embryos Hans and Frans. I don’t know if you remember the old skit from SNL. My other mom and her DH do a Hans and Frans impression that always cracks me up. M suggested Savings and Loan, LOL. It seems like Hans and Frans has stuck; Though every time I call them that M tells me “don’t call them that.” Yet, I have heard him refer to them as that. It is becoming a joke between us. I will ask him to do something and he will say “why can’t you” my response has become “because I am helping Hans and Frans grow.” LOL. (That is a picture of my babies Hans and Frans)

Anyway, prior to transfer, my doc and M kept making comments like “are you sure you want to transfer to two?” Which was adding to the nerves. The nurse said the doc does it because he feels like he has to for SART regulations. M was doing just because he thinks it is funny when I get nervous. Men!

Afterwards while we were waiting. M sang them a little song it went something like this “stick little embryos, stick, But preferably only one. And whatever you do, don’t split.” It was hilarious!

I have survived bed rest and am back on my feet. Though, I am super nervous about that. I am so afraid I am going to do something that is going to dislodge those little babies and make them fall out. I will continue to try and take it easy for the next few days. Though not sure M is going to allow that, I think he is sick of waiting on me.

I found out today that we only ended up with 5 frosties. I don’t know why but that number makes me kind of sad. I was really hoping for more. But it is what it is. I have my 5 little guys on ice, hopefully, I won’t need them.

I am super emotional today. I don't even know why. I know this post stinks, but I keep getting all weepy and am having trouble writing. Ugh! I guess the PIO is kicking in.

Blogger Award – Thanks Sonya!

Today really has been a great day. I found out I am triggering tonight. I have lots of great follies and I was nominated by Sonya for the Beautiful Blogger Award. http://sonyaspages.blogspot.com/Sonya is an incredible writer, mother, friend and daughter. Her strength and constant perseverance are inspiring. I find myself looking forward to new posts from her. I am hoping and praying that she gets her sticky BFP.

My duties as a nonimated Beautiful Blogger Award are as follows:

- Thank the person who nominated me and copy the award in my blog
- Link the person who nominated me for this award
- Share seven interesting things about myself
- Nominate seven fellow bloggers and add the links to their blogs

Interesting Things About Me:
1. I have lived in the same city my entire life.

2. I have a degree in communications, but have never used it. Instead I work in real estate and for the CFO of the largest independent mortgage company in the state. I have been working for this mortgage company since I was 17 and started out as a part-time receptionist and worked my way up to the position I am in now.

3. My favorite hobby is looking at houses. I think sometimes that is the reason I keep my real estate license active. So, that I can look at houses whenever I want.

4. I don’t watch a lot of TV. I prefer to read. I will read pretty much anything that I find. My minor is in Early English Literature.

5. My family is the most important thing in my life. I have two sisters and one brother. I have two nieces and two nephews and I adore them. I am incredibly lucky in that not only do I have my mom and dad but I also have my step-dad. I couldn’t imagine my life if my mom hadn’t married him. He is very much my father in a lot of ways more than my real father. I have the most incredible husband and daughter. If I had nothing else, but had my family I would still consider myself incredibly blessed.

6. I love to do remodeling projects around the house.
7. I love to travel. I will go anywhere I get the opportunity to go. When someone asks my dream vacation, I really don’t know. There are so many places I would like to see and things I would like to experience.

I would like to nominate:

http://eileenburnsjin.blogspot.com/

http://smartone.typepad.com/

http://www.jennlynnb.blogspot.com/

http://www.ngowhitcombfamily.blogspot.com/

http://hurdles-lifelovefamily.blogspot.com/

http://sonyaspages.blogspot.com/

Oops! Guess I overreacted

It looks like I overreacted on Saturday. I think it was just that things weren’t going the way I expected and Doc C, as nice as he is, just isn’t my doc. I was feeling pretty insecure about the situation.

Doc T was back today. Thank goodness! I made M go with me this morning to make sure we got all of our questions answered and were both comfortable with the directions things are going. He had been staying behind with L so that we didn’t have to take her.

The NP, my favorite, came in followed by two nurses and Doc T. It was a little crazy to have everyone in the room. Everything looked GREAT. There was at least 9 on the left over 14mm and I think just as many on the right; though in size the right is somewhat ahead of left. There were quite a few of “intermediate” size on each side. Of course, Doc T was conversing with M over the NP trying to measure and read sizes, so I missed some of the measurements. The NP said we should get a min of 10 mature healthy eggs and she thinks that we will get more than that, but it is hard to tell.

Doc T said everything looked great and that we should get a lot of great eggies. He did lower my dose of HCG because he is still trying to be aware of OHSS. I forgot to ask what my E2 was on Saturday and Sunday, but I will ask tomorrow. But really I am not that concerned anymore. I feel like I am in good hands. Apparently, Doc T was supposed to be off today, but came in this morning specifically for my U/S. I just love him!

I think I was so nervous over the weekend because Doc C doesn’t communicate well and I think he just rushed through my U/S. I trust that he knows what he is doing, but I wish he would share that info with me.

Anyway, the point of all of this is I trigger TONIGHT! And have Egg Retrieval on Wednesday at 10AM! Whoo Hoo! I am really excited and nervous.