Starting BCP & CD3 BW - Oh the emotions!

December 27, 2009 - it was confirmed, my 7th and final IUI was a failure. AF started. I still have to have the Beta, doctor’s orders, but I know.

The emotions of this process are just horrendous. I can’t seem to deal with them. I am really freaking out. I can’t stop thinking; What if it doesn’t work? What if we waste this huge amount of money? It is like gambling. Gambling that suddenly my body will do what it is supposed to. I will produce enough eggs, the eggies will fertilize properly, the eggs will grow well and then a little bean will implant in my Uterus and stick. I am not a gambler. Ok…..maybe a little bit of a gambler but small time. I am a penny slots kind of girl and this is the big time. Big risk taker? Not me!

So the question becomes why am I putting it all on the line? Putting all my eggs in one basket? Because I can’t let go of the hope. The thought of the joy another LO will bring to our family as a whole keeps me going. I want the sleep deprivation and sore boobs and raging hormones. I want it all!

I can’t stop asking myself what if this doesn’t happen? Will I be OK? Will I completely fall apart?

I just can’t help but wonder if I am supposed to have another child. I keep praying and I am not sure I know what God’s answer is. I have time…….I could still back out, but I don’t want to, because I want another baby. I really want to give L a sibling and M another child. But I want to do what I should do. The problem is I don’t know what that is. I am not hearing God telling me to do one thing or another. Or maybe I am and I am just too scared to recognize it. Maybe he is M telling me that it will be OK, it is just money. But maybe it is my mom thinking we shouldn’t do this. I don’t know. This uncertainty is freaking me out. Will I ever know?

I wish I wasn’t going through this. I wish my son was here. I wish it was all moot. But wishes don’t mean much do they? I am not Cinderella, wishing doesn’t make things happen.

I just told M how I was feeling and he just hugged me and told me “there is no way we are doing the wrong thing. Worse case it doesn’t work. At least then we know we tried.” His view is so much simpler than mine. But I really, really hope he is right

I don’t like myself tonight. Too melancholy!

To IVF or Not to IVF

Out of respect to the doc we listened to the IVF coordinator, but were determined that we weren’t doing it. For September and Oct we tried on our Own. November we did Clomid again with the intent of having another IUI, but I over stimulated. There was a ridiculously large number of follies on either side. The cycle was cancelled.

In December we did Clomid again and went down to 25mg. I had two follies on my left (broken side) and one on the right. We proceeded with the IUI. This cycle was NOT successful.

Our decision to do the IVF was made before our final IUI in December. After our cancelled IUI in November, we made an appointment and spoke with the IVF coordinator again. The issue for me was a money thing. M kept telling me that “we will make more money.” I had started researching adoption but M just wasn’t there yet. He wanted to try IVF. So we scheduled it with an estimated retrieval date of February 1st.

This wasn’t any easy decision for us to make or a quick one. It was literally months from the first time we spoke with the IVF coordinator before we opted to take the IVF route. There was many discussions about money, time, pain, injections and moral issues. But ultimately, we felt like we needed to try all options available to us.

I had my office hysteroscopy. Everything looked great, no scaring, except for my c-section with L, no polyps, etc. M had his SA, great count after wash 46mil, 65% motility, great Halo results, but his morphology stinks. Only 3%. The RE recommended we do ICSI. Something we were not planning, but if we are doing this, then we just need to suck it up and do it. Right?

TTC #2 - Again

Once we got the go ahead from my OB and my RE to TTC again, we did. It was one of those decisions that was really hard to make. Should I not have another child? Is that what God is telling me? Or is he saying the opposite? Now is not your time, but don’t give up? I didn’t know, but I knew I really needed to try.

In June we did our 4th medicated IUI with our 2nd HCG trigger. We conceived AGAIN. Unfortunately, this one was Ectopic. My first Beta was only 14. My 2nd two days later was 100. Neither very good. We got our BFP on a Friday, the following Thursday we were leaving for Mexico for two weeks. My doc recommended I not go because he had a bad feeling about the low HCG levels and it was too early to see anything on U/S. I opted to go anyway and lined up a doc where we were going to be. At 5w6d we saw her and had an U/S. She at first said she saw a sac in my uterus, imagine my relief and surprise, but then she decided to do a trans-vaginal U/S and thought she saw something in my left tube. WTH? She had no idea what she was seeing. The next day I had some pretty severe pain, I thought I had a Kidney stone it was that painful. I opted to go home and not back to the Mexican doctor, who wanted to admit me to the hospital and do surgery. M and I got on the first plane out the next day and left L in Mexico with my family.

We drove straight from the airport to my docs office and low and behold it was ectopic, with quite a large amount of blood in my abdomen, but it had not ruptured at that point. We opted to have the methotrexate shots. It took more than two weeks with a ton of pain, but it ended. Oddly, this loss wasn’t as devastating as the first. I am not sure why, maybe it was that I never had a chance to get “attached.” Maybe it was that it was too soon after my first loss. Maybe it was because I was concerned about physically surviving that I didn’t have time to dwell on the emotional. Who knows.

In September I had another HSG. My left tube was blocked. My RE recommended IVF.

Our Losses Continued - Test Results

Four weeks to the day after I found out my baby no longer had a heart beat I had a set-back.

Here is an e-mail I wrote to a friend. “I was doing better, just keeping myself as busy as possible. But then the doctor called this morning with the results of the Chromosome tests. There was nothing wrong with my baby boy. Which I think is harder for me. Because I feel like I failed him. My body failed him or I drank too much caffeine, or I skipped my prenatals too many times, or I worried too much or I took too hot of a bath or a combination of all those things. I was prepared to hear there was something wrong. That it happened for a reason. But it didn't. He should be healthy and growing inside me and he is not, because my body couldn't do what it was supposed to. I feel like my body killed him. So, today just sucks”.

I chose to copy and paste, because I didn’t want to relive all the emotions of that day. It was a bad one. Every logical part of me knows there was nothing I could do different even the reasons I listed aren’t really reasons. I drank maybe ½ a cup of coffee a day, I couldn’t take my prenatals sometimes because they made me throw-up. I was very conscious of everything I did and tried to follow the rules. I know, in all honesty, it wasn’t me, but that didn’t change how I felt when I got that call. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I wanted an explanation. I wanted to know why my little boy is not growing inside of me anymore. The truth is I still do. I ache for him. I know I can try again and may even get pregnant again, but I don’t want a different baby. I want the one I lost. I want my baby boy.

My husband was angry that the doctor told me the sex of the baby. He said it made it harder for him. I wanted to know. As I wrote in a previous post, the first thing I asked when I woke up from the D&C was what was the sex. I knew in my heart it was a boy. I wanted to give him a name, but that is too hard for my husband. So he will forever remain my angel.

Our Losses Continued - My D&C

Tuesday April 7th – (10 days exactly before my thirtieth birthday). It was simply a surreal day. I worked a bunch….I showered…...spent time with L. Before we left the house, I started to panic. I didn’t want to leave L. I was afraid that something would happen to me. I asked her to pray for me thinking she would pray with my sister when I left, but no not this child. She grabbed my face and closed her eyes and prayed that mommy would be safe and that Jesus would let the baby come back for her birthday. Before that she had been praying for a pool for her birthday. She hasn’t asked for a pool once since then, she asks for the baby to come back. It just breaks my heart. I want more than anything to give her a sibling; preferably a sister for her and son for my husband. But me, all I want is a healthy baby.

I had insisted that the Doctor do another ultrasound prior to the procedure and that had to be done in the doctor’s office while the procedure was being done in the hospital. Consequently, we had to go back to the place I have decided I now hate, because that is where I found out my baby had died. We got there about 2pm and they actually got us in about 10 min later. A record for my doctor’s office.

Of course all the staff was giving me the sad face. Elsie the forever nurse hugged me. The new young one couldn’t look me in the eye, she won’t last. We went in the room trying to pretend that everything was normal, but it wasn’t. I had started having cramping earlier in the day and they were getting worse as I was sitting there. Part of me was still hoping, unrealistically I know, that there would be a heart beat that day. There wasn’t. The doctor was very nice, he didn’t act like I was crazy at all for wanting him to check again. He gave me ultrasound pictures, which I am not sure I even want. And told us once again there was no heart beat.

It all just hurt so much. I never imagined this happening to me. I am healthy, I am fairly young, so is my husband. We already had one child. What could be wrong with me to make me lose this one? What did I do to deserve this? Why? Why was I able to get pregnant after two years to lose my baby?

After we left the doctors office we went to the hospital. We had to go through admitting and sign paperwork and pay a HUGE co-pay. When we got back to the day-surgery check in, I am sure everyone could tell I had been crying and the guy behind the counter kept giving me sad faces. When we got to the back, I had to undress and put on the oh so fashionable hospital gown, missing half the ties. Anyone want to see my naked rear-end? For some reason I was really concerned I would have to remove my socks, but the nurse let me keep them on. She took about a million vials of blood, for what? I never did find out.

M and I managed to joke some, but if it got silent I started to cry so I read my book. But in the Epilogue the stupid woman got pregnant and had a healthy baby girl. Of course, the tears came back. I started to get really scared before I went back. We called the house, but L was still napping. I had just wanted to tell her I loved her one more time.

The anesthesiologist came and put something in my IV, my husband kissed me and told me he loved me. I asked him to call my sister and have her call everyone and ask them to pray. I remember being wheeled into another room and them asking me to move to the bed next to me. As I was lying down they started to put a mask on my face. I don’t remember anything after that.

When I was waking up, I kept asking the nurses what it was, a boy or a girl. I dreamt while I was out that it was a boy. Obviously, they didn’t know.

I was ok in the recovery room. My nurse was sweet. Oddly, she was 20 weeks pregnant, but before she got pregnant she had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. We talked about miscarriages and other stuff. There was no room in the next room I was supposed to go to so they gave me a hospital room on another floor. My husband met us up there. It was just a very surreal experience. I had a lot of pain meds in me and was mostly numb.

When we got home it was late, after 11 I think. My sister and her boyfriend had taken care of L for us, so they were still at the house. I was standing in the living room and just broke down. My sister’s BF hugged me. Earlier when he had got to the house to watch L he brought me L’s and my favorite candy. My sister hugged me and asked if there was anything she could do. Finally, they left.

I went upstairs and worked for a little while before I went to bed. I think I was so afraid of my feelings it was the only way to block them. I don’t know. I went to bed mostly numb thinking I had closure that I would begin to be able to move on. I was so incredibly wrong.

When does the pain get better?

(The first two weeks after D&C)
I thought the D&C would provide closure. It did that night while I was still all drugged up, but the next day I was a wreck. There was not closure, not for me. It just hurt so damn bad. Why did this have to happen?

The days following were horrible. Not physically, but emotionally. I was taking the pain killers the doctor gave. I wanted…….I needed to be numb. But they only help so much.

Everyone wanted to help, but what can they do? Wednesday (day after D&C) my mom and her best friend (my other mother) wanted to bring lunch. I thought I would be up for that. But my mom also in invited my brother who brought my 6 mo old nephew. It was not what I needed. They were all just so normal. Their intentions were good, but I just wanted to scream “How can you be so happy, when I am literally falling apart?”

I hate when people hug me and tell me they are sorry. They probably really truly are, but it just feels fake. I want to scream at them “you don’t understand, my baby is dead.” But I don’t. I don’t ever say what I am thinking. I just keep acting like everything is ok, but inside I feel like I am dieing.

Its funny, the only person aside from my husband that I am comfortable around right now, is my youngest sister. She is very laid back and doesn’t try to fix. She doesn’t say stupid things like “well, at least now you know you can get pregnant.” She doesn’t change the subject when I talk about what I am going through. I know she is a little uncomfortable, but she just listens.

(The two week mark)
Some days I am so angry I can barely see. Others I just cry. And more and more lately I have been OK. Which in turn makes me feel guilty. How can I be OK when my baby is dead? Does that mean this baby didn’t mean enough to me? I know it is illogical, but on the best days the guilt is still there.

I was really angry at God. I wondered why he would do this to me? Why he would let me finally get pregnant, when I had worked through all the emotions of not being able to get pregnant, and then allow my baby to be taken away? I was so angry I couldn’t pray. For me that was huge. I am one of those people who prays all the time. In the car, in the shower, whenever something pops into my head, good or bad, I pray about it and I couldn’t pray. I felt lost and broken. And I hurt more than words can say and my normal source of comfort wasn’t there. Who can you be angry at? Its not your husbands fault, or the doctor, or the dogs for that matter. There is no one to blame. So, I blamed God.

My turning point finally came on one of my worst days. I came across the blog of another mother. Her story broke my heart. What she has been through is so much more than I could ever handle. And yet she turned to the Lord. She praises God. At one point she says “God is so good. We tend to get angry at God when we do not get our way with things, or when you pray about something and God does not answer your prayer. But God ALWAYS answers prayers...it just may not be the way you wanted Him to.” How can a woman who went through what this woman did feel this way? Because she turned to him in her time of need and not away. I, for a time, turned away. Her loss, showed me the way back. I thank the Lord everyday that she chose to share her story with world, because if she hadn’t I don’t know where I would be.

As I am writing this it has been two weeks to the day since the doctor took my baby from my body. I still have bad days. I still cry. I am crying as I write this, but I am moving forward. I don’t know what the future holds. But I know in the long run, I will be OK. I will forever love and think about my angel baby. I won’t ever be the same. But maybe I will be a better version of me. I find I cry easier and care more about strangers and those around me alike. And that’s in just two weeks.

I want to try again, but I am terrified that I will lose another one. I am not sure I could handle that. But I would have told you before this loss that I couldn’t handle losing one and I am working through it. I still ask why. I still cry. I still have bad days. Sometimes I am even still very angry. I still hurt. Hopefully, the doctor will have some answers for me in the why area. But I am learning to live with the hurt, the anger and the tears and appreciate the incredible blessings in my life even more.

God has a plan for my life. Even if I can’t see it right now. Its there. As much as I hated people telling me that, they are right. It reminds me of a song that I knew when I was a kid. The chorus and my favorite verse are;

God has a plan for my life,
I just can’t wait to see what’s in store for me,
Because God has a plan for my life

It won’t all be easy
But God will understand
Through all the hard times
He will be there to hold my hand
He knows just how special
I will turn out to be
Because God has a plan for my life

I have to trust that God knows what he is doing. That trust and that faith give me peace and have allowed me to begin to heal.

There are other things that have helped. The grief and loss board on WTE. Not the board itself, but the incredible community of women who are on there supporting each other. I wish none of them had ever had these experiences, but I am glad that that since they did they are willing to share. Ultimately I will be ok.

Our Losses

I can’t rewrite everything we went through. It is too painful, so I am copying journal entries I wrote for my WTE blog directly on to this blog. Just rereading what I wrote rips my heart out. I will admit what you are about to read is long and often times heartbreaking. If you want to skip it, I would understand.

“I was really truly OK with where we were and the strong possibility that we would never have another child.

Then February 4, 2009 came around, day 29 of my cycle. AF should have started, but it didn’t. My cycle is like clock work with clomid. I surge day 14 or 15 and then AF starts at some point on CD 29. She never showed. I didn’t take a test that day or even the day after. I have had too many times when I got my hopes up and then been devastated when AF showed to really get excited. Finally, on CD 31 I took a HPT, which was positive. The line was actually darker than the test line. I was in complete and utter shock.

I had waited that morning to take the test because I didn’t want M to know I was taking it. I didn’t want him to get his hopes up, he was already getting excited that AF hadn’t shown and I just didn’t want him to be let down anymore than he already would be. So, I waited and held my FMU for over an hour for him to go downstairs to his office and get to work. Then I took it. L was in the room, but she has seen me pee on OPKs so many times it didn’t phase her in the least. When I saw that line I was terrified and excited and breathless and completely utterly shocked and so many other things. The only thing I could think about doing was telling M.

I went into my office and got a full sheet of paper and took a sharpy and wrote “Hi Daddy – Guess what I am going to be a big sister. Love L.” Then I convinced L to take it downstairs and give it to him. I couldn’t help it, I watched from around the corner. When she first handed it to him, he set it aside before even looking at it, but apparently she knew it was important because she picked it back up and told him “daddy this is for you.” He read it and looked at her totally confused and then he read it again and then he looked at her again with kind of a shocked, confused, excited look on his face at which point I went into the room and he just looked at me, held up the paper and said “really?” It was incredible. I thought at the time that it was one of the greatest days of my life.

Of course I went later that day and got blood drawn and my HCG levels came back normal. The docs office called and said they wanted me to go the next week for another Beta HCG and then come in at 6w 5d for our first ultrasound. After our second round of HCG tests, we told my sisters and my mom. At our 6w 5d ultrasound we saw our LOs heart beat. It was incredible and such a relief I had been so incredibly nervous. The doc said everything looked great and to come back in two weeks for another scan. Between each appointment I got really nervous, completely terrified that something had happened, but we went back at 8w 5d and saw the heart beat again. I left there thinking everything was fine. He graduated us and said congratulations! I made an appt with my regular OB, it ended up being at 13w 2d which was later than I had ideally wanted, but with my schedule and his it was the earliest day they could get me in.

I was growing, I was definitely gaining weight. My breasts were huge and incredibly sore. I had bad nausea and so many food aversions it wasn’t funny. But for some reason I was still so incredibly nervous. Fearful. Then a woman who was supposed to be in her 14th w posted that her baby had stopped growing at 12w 1d and she had no idea until she went for her 14w appointment. It scared the pants off of me. I thought I was going into the safe zone. I was having trouble focusing, working, just functioning in general I was so worried.

I ordered a fetal Doppler thinking that would help. It came at 12w 3d, I didn’t panic that first day when I couldn’t find the heartbeat. But that night I woke up in the middle of the night with severe cramping. It didn’t last long, 5 or 10 min at most, but came back about an hour later for another 5 min or so. I had no bleeding of any kind. I woke up the next morning and tried again with the Doppler, but nothing. Mid way through that day I had severe cramping again that almost dropped me to my knees. I went to the bathroom and had (Sorry, TMI) horrible diarrhea. After which I was fine. Once again, I had no bleeding what so ever. I was really calm and sat and tried the Doppler again. Again nothing. They say in all the paper work that you might not be able to hear anything until 14w, but I knew. Sunday I told M that there was something wrong. I hesitated to tell him that the baby was no longer alive, but I knew. I knew our baby was gone M just kept telling me the baby was fine.

I called the doctors office and told the answering service what was going on. Oddly it was my doctor on call and he said that he really thought everything was fine, but that I could come in the following morning and he would do and U/S if it would make me feel better. We went to dinner at my parents like we always do on Sunday’s and I didn’t really say anything to anyone, I acted normal. I did mention to my mom that I had called the doctor and I was going in the next morning, but she kind of just acted like it was no big deal.

The next morning, April 6th, we got up and got L ready for school and both kind of acted like I was overreacting and there was nothing wrong. I even apologized to M for making him go with me. I think I said “I know I am probably overreacting, but I just need to know everything is ok.” I have never been as nervous as I was in the doctor’s waiting room. It was horrible. We finally went back 45min after our appointment time and the nurse had me get undressed from the waist down. Then she brought in the ultrasound machine and then the doctor came in. He was his cheerful normal self, asking lots of questions, telling us he was sure there was nothing wrong, but if it made me feel better he would check. He made some comment like “I am a parent too”.

He started with the vaginal ultrasound. I knew almost immediately. I don’t remember anything he said really, but that he wasn’t getting a good picture, he wanted to look through the tummy. My husband said at that point the doctor started asking me a lot of questions that he had already asked and almost babbling. The repeat questions was, for M, the tell tale. When he was doing the tummy ultrasound, he finally just stopped talking and held the wand over where the heart should have been beating, for at least a minute I swear, there was nothing. No flicker, no movement, nobody speaking, nothing. My baby had died!

He said something like “I am so sorry, I really didn’t expect this.” And then he started taking pictures and I asked him how long it had been. He said a couple days at most. At which point, I lost it shaking and crying. I looked over at M and he was just sitting in the chair with his head in his hands staring at the screen. The doc finally asked if I could try to hold still for a just a second so he could get the rest of the pics. When he was done, he told me that I would need to have a D&C because I was so far along. It could be weeks before my body started to miscarry naturally and then I could bleed for weeks or even months. He then said to go home, one of the nurses would call to set it up.

I don’t remember much after that. I don’t remember getting dressed. I do remember walking out of the exam room and the nurse he has had forever telling me. “Oh, T I am so sorry.” I couldn’t speak I just kind of lifted my hand. I don’t remember getting to the car or getting in, but I do remember the very pregnant chick that was standing in front of the building smoking. How fair is that? I did everything I was supposed to do, and my baby died and this stupid girl is standing there smoking? She gets to keep her baby and I don’t?

The rest of the day was very strange and surreal. I don’t remember getting home. I know the doctor’s office called at some point and I just handed the phone to M. I know I wanted M to go get L from school early, but then told him not to because I wasn’t sure she should see me like that. Somehow I made it into my bed, but I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was cry. I actually got up for a little bit and went and tried to get some work done. I sent some e-mails to make sure things that needed to be dealt with that day would be taken care of by someone else. I didn’t want to cry anymore or feel anymore, so I laid down in bed and started reading a book.

When L got home from school, she came looking for me right away and the first things she asked was what was wrong. I told her, “Mommy is sad, because the baby had to go be with Jesus.” She said that “no, the baby is in Mommy’s tummy and will come before Halloween.” I told her “No, the baby can’t come anymore, the baby has to go me with Jesus in Heaven.” At which point she started to get pretty upset “but mommy you said the baby was coming. You said! You said she would be here before Halloween.” And I just kept telling her “no, the baby can’t come anymore.” And she kept telling me “she will come back Mommy, its ok.” Finally, I distracted her by offering to read to her. I read to her 6 or 7 books before she got bored and went looking for M. I finally managed to fall asleep after that for a while.

I didn’t sleep well. It was almost a half sleep with strange dreams on bleeding and babies it wasn’t good. I kept dreaming that my baby was screaming at me that he wasn’t dead and to not kill him. It was horrible! Finally, I got up and started working. I didn’t know what else to do with myself. At least when I was working I wasn’t thinking and I wasn’t crying. That evening Big-T, myStep-father called and said he and my mom were going to come by. I hadn’t spoken to anyone. After we left the docs office earlier in the day, I had M call my sister and have her let everyone know. I didn’t want them to come by, but they are my parents so I didn’t say no. I did tell my sister no though.

They did finally come by, which was good for L, because they at least were a little bit of normal for her in a strange day. It sucked. My mom does not hug, but she hugged me and told me “she was so sorry.” So, did Big-T and they both hugged me for so long. Told me I shouldn’t be working, but I didn’t know what else to do. At some point, I finally went to bed. I really don’t remember much after my parents leaving.

The next day was D&C Day………

TTC baby number 2

We knew that we wanted our kids fairly close in age preferably between 1 ½ to 2 ½ years apart. Knowing that it might not be easy, we started trying for another baby 1 month before L’s first birthday. By her second birthday my OB was doing tests to try and determine why we were not getting pregnant. In the meantime he put me on Clomid. When all the tests resulted in no answers and no pregnancies, he sent us to see a fertility specialist. The Fertility Specialist looked at our tests and the fact that I had a healthy pregnancy that I carried to term and he felt we had “unexplained secondary infertility.” He felt we should try IUI’s with 100mg of Clomid. The IUI’s started in approximately Aug of 07. With a few cycles skipped here and there, one because I never really had a dark test line on the OPK and by the time they decided to bring me in and look it was too late; a couple others, just simply because I needed a break.

In early December we had had a total of 2 medicated IUI’s and 2 un-medicated. We planned on doing another one in December, but then discovered that we would be out of town for ovulation, so really we didn’t try in December. In January we did our third medicated IUI. I was done at that point. I thought I would do one more IUI, but if it didn’t work, I wasn’t willing to do anymore drugs or have any more tests. I had accepted that it might not work for us and if it didn’t I was OK with that. I didn’t want IVF, for a myriad of reasons. My body doesn’t react well to the clomid and the one Ovulation trigger shot I got, made me a complete and utter wreck. I didn’t want to put my body through anymore; especially when it was going to cost $10,000-$20,000 a try. Between the drugs and the stress of the financial aspect of it I felt that IVF was not the right decision for us. I was really truly OK with where we were and the strong possibility that we would never have another child.

The Conception and Birth of L!

It took us about a year and a half to conceive L. In some ways she was a surprise. We had been TTC, but then my younger sister got pregnant unexpectedly and I was dealing with the fallout of that. She still lived at home with my parents and was completing a master’s degree and had only been with the boyfriend for about a month. Needless to say, things got ugly.

Once things started to calm down and the family began accepting there was a new little person in our lives, M decided to quit his job and start his own business; which meant we wouldn’t have insurance for a while. We decided to stop actively TTC, but opted not to use protection. How could we get pregnant when we weren’t trying, if we couldn’t when trying? Well……we got pregnant. It was a really uneventful pregnancy, aside from the fact that I gained 60+ lbs. The two worst parts were that I had really severe heartburn the entire time and sciatic nerve pain. Other than those few things it was a great pregnancy with absolutely no issues. Unfortunately, I never went into labor on my own and at 42 weeks my doc insisted we try to induce.

We got to the hospital the night of my 27th b-day and started the induction process. Everything started out slowly, they were very busy in L&D. It was a rough night and morning. Not the contractions. I was doing fine with those, but I never progressed, the heartburn was horrendous and I was not allowed to eat anything. I didn’t progress, because her head just wouldn’t engage. Ultimately, we had a c-section and our beautiful daughter was born. 9lbs 5oz! No wonder her head wouldn’t engage, she was huge!

Our Background Story

I am a stay at home mom who works fulltime from home. My husband, M, and I have been married for 6 1/2 wonderful years; together for the last 9. He is the man I was meant to marry. He loves me at my worst and at my best. He accepts me for who I am faults and all. Don’t get me wrong we have our issues, but overall, things are really good between us.

We have a beautiful, incredible precocious daughter who turned 3 the day after I turned 30. She is funny and beautiful and so incredibly smart. The things she says and does crack me up. One night last spring we were sitting outside and she was playing in her sand box bringing things to M and I. She brings M this sand toy shaped like a hand and says “here Daddy I made this for you.” He asks “Thank you baby, what is it?” She tells him, “Fingers with food in it.” “Oh” he says “she I eat it?” She tells him “yes daddy” and starts to turn away, but then she pauses and turns around and tells him “but daddy, don’t put it in your mouth for real. Just pretend.” And then walks off. She was not even three, she is simply amazing!