Our Losses Continued - Test Results

Four weeks to the day after I found out my baby no longer had a heart beat I had a set-back.

Here is an e-mail I wrote to a friend. “I was doing better, just keeping myself as busy as possible. But then the doctor called this morning with the results of the Chromosome tests. There was nothing wrong with my baby boy. Which I think is harder for me. Because I feel like I failed him. My body failed him or I drank too much caffeine, or I skipped my prenatals too many times, or I worried too much or I took too hot of a bath or a combination of all those things. I was prepared to hear there was something wrong. That it happened for a reason. But it didn't. He should be healthy and growing inside me and he is not, because my body couldn't do what it was supposed to. I feel like my body killed him. So, today just sucks”.

I chose to copy and paste, because I didn’t want to relive all the emotions of that day. It was a bad one. Every logical part of me knows there was nothing I could do different even the reasons I listed aren’t really reasons. I drank maybe ½ a cup of coffee a day, I couldn’t take my prenatals sometimes because they made me throw-up. I was very conscious of everything I did and tried to follow the rules. I know, in all honesty, it wasn’t me, but that didn’t change how I felt when I got that call. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I wanted an explanation. I wanted to know why my little boy is not growing inside of me anymore. The truth is I still do. I ache for him. I know I can try again and may even get pregnant again, but I don’t want a different baby. I want the one I lost. I want my baby boy.

My husband was angry that the doctor told me the sex of the baby. He said it made it harder for him. I wanted to know. As I wrote in a previous post, the first thing I asked when I woke up from the D&C was what was the sex. I knew in my heart it was a boy. I wanted to give him a name, but that is too hard for my husband. So he will forever remain my angel.