December 27, 2009 - it was confirmed, my 7th and final IUI was a failure. AF started. I still have to have the Beta, doctor’s orders, but I know.
The emotions of this process are just horrendous. I can’t seem to deal with them. I am really freaking out. I can’t stop thinking; What if it doesn’t work? What if we waste this huge amount of money? It is like gambling. Gambling that suddenly my body will do what it is supposed to. I will produce enough eggs, the eggies will fertilize properly, the eggs will grow well and then a little bean will implant in my Uterus and stick. I am not a gambler. Ok…..maybe a little bit of a gambler but small time. I am a penny slots kind of girl and this is the big time. Big risk taker? Not me!
So the question becomes why am I putting it all on the line? Putting all my eggs in one basket? Because I can’t let go of the hope. The thought of the joy another LO will bring to our family as a whole keeps me going. I want the sleep deprivation and sore boobs and raging hormones. I want it all!
I can’t stop asking myself what if this doesn’t happen? Will I be OK? Will I completely fall apart?
I just can’t help but wonder if I am supposed to have another child. I keep praying and I am not sure I know what God’s answer is. I have time…….I could still back out, but I don’t want to, because I want another baby. I really want to give L a sibling and M another child. But I want to do what I should do. The problem is I don’t know what that is. I am not hearing God telling me to do one thing or another. Or maybe I am and I am just too scared to recognize it. Maybe he is M telling me that it will be OK, it is just money. But maybe it is my mom thinking we shouldn’t do this. I don’t know. This uncertainty is freaking me out. Will I ever know?
I wish I wasn’t going through this. I wish my son was here. I wish it was all moot. But wishes don’t mean much do they? I am not Cinderella, wishing doesn’t make things happen.
I just told M how I was feeling and he just hugged me and told me “there is no way we are doing the wrong thing. Worse case it doesn’t work. At least then we know we tried.” His view is so much simpler than mine. But I really, really hope he is right
I don’t like myself tonight. Too melancholy!
The Walking Dead 6x09 Session 6 Episode 9
10 years ago
1 comments:
Your writing is important. To release the emotions and thoughts onto the screen, to share them with the energy around you gives you more time to reflect and to share the burden of the task before you!
This journey is filled with questions and doubt, but that's motherhood in a nutshell. Your husband is right, you can't be wrong on this one. It's just money.
Post a Comment