Frustration! Argh!

Frustration! Argh!

Jan 31 ~ I am feeling pretty discouraged and frustrated today. I guess it is just all part of the roller coaster. But I don’t like the way I am feeling. I told another IVFer a couple days ago that I was feeling very calm about all of this. I realized that I had done everything I could do and it was out of my hands and I was at peace about it all. Today that feeling is out the window. I am not enjoying the ride at the moment.

When I went to my follicle U/S appointment on Thursday the 28th, everything looked good still 15 good size follies and quite a few followers. The NP mentioned that they weren’t as large as they would like to see at that point. So, the doc came in and had a look as well. He agreed and had me have my estrogen checked. Assuming that my estrogen was low and he was going to have me start estrogen patches. Turns out my estrogen is high. How is that even possible? So, they lowered my doses. Had to go back Friday same situation, doses lowered. Went back today, same situation. Doses lowered and either the doc who did the U/S today was impatient and only measured the largest or quite a few of my follies are not growing at all.

The odd part about this all is that yesterday my E2 was only 1800 on day 7 of stims. That doesn’t seem very high to me. I don’t know what it is today, because M talked to the doc when he called, but even if it was 2800 I am on day 8, from what I have seen on the message boards, these seem like fairly normal numbers.

I am kind of assuming at this point that we are going to get cancelled. Which is super frustrating, but I don’t know what else they can do. I think by essentially stopping the meds we will end up with a lot of immature follicles, but if we keep going I am at extreme risk for OHSS. Apparently, my E2 levels are an indication that I have more follicles that they can see on the U/S.

My doctor is out of town until Monday for a family emergency so I have been seeing a colleague of his. Doc C (not my doc) says we just need to “tiptoe through the next couple of days and everything will be fine”. I for some reason don’t have a lot of faith at this point. I will wait until I see Doc T on Monday prior to pushing the subject, but I don’t want to continue on with stims and end up with a severe case of OHSS, but I don’t want to keep going without them and have a bunch of immature/empty follicles. What to do? What to do?

I want that feeling of peace back.

Here we goooooo……..

Jan 22 – I had my baseline U/S today. It didn’t go quite as well as I had hoped. They were looking at my lining and my antral follicle count; which is essentially the number of potential follicles that can develop during the cycle. They expect, in someone my age, to be able to see 15-25 total between each ovary. She only saw 4-5 on each ovary making a total potential of 8-10. Though I will say she had an extremely difficult time seeing my right ovary and it could be there were more she couldn’t see. I am really hoping that is the case. Vaginal U/S are never fun, but when they are having a hard time finding what they are looking for it becomes down right painful. It actually left me feeling sick to my stomach afterwards.

Because of the low AFC they upped my dosage of meds, which kind of freaked me out. I was originally supposed to be on 150IU follistim in the AM and 75IU Menopur in the PM. They changed it to 225IU Follistim in the AM and 75IU Menopur in the PM. It is kind of scary to be starting off on a negative.

I was pretty upset by all of this when I left the office. I know what I have read and women with 25 follies could only have 3 fertilize and women with 8 follies can have 7 fertilize, but I just think the odds for success are better the more follies you have. I am really hoping we have two 5d blasts to transfer and at least a few to freeze.

Anyway, I went from my baseline straight to my Acupuncture appointment. I actually sat in the car for a few minutes before going in because I was near tears. I explained the situation to my acupuncturist who said on top of the normal IVF points, she would do some for anxiety and stress.

I realized that I have been trying to carry the stress, anxiety and burden of all of this alone. So, while I was lying there, stuck with large numbers of needles with electrodes on some of them, I started praying. I prayed that God take my anxiety and my fear. I asked him to carry it for me. I know that it is his will that will be done. Nothing that I do can change anything. I have done and am doing everything in my power to create a child. There is nothing more I can do, it is not up to me. I have this picture in my head of a back pack that is full of all my worry and stress and anxiety about this whole process of IVF and trying to have another child. While lying on that table, I gave my back pack to God to carry for me. Now it is in much more capable hands than my own.

When I left the acupuncturist’s office it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I still really, really want this to work. But I know that even if it doesn’t I will be ok. We will move onto adoption knowing that we tried everything we could to have another baby. If it doesn’t work I will not just survive, I will thrive!

Every time I start to freak out now. I close my eyes apologize to God for taking the back pack back and hand it back to him. I am sure I sound crazy, but…………..the moment I do it I feel instant relief. I guess if my options are a stressed out and anxiety ridden or crazy. I will take crazy.

Jan 23-First day of stims – I have to start out my saying Thank goodness for M. I am a big wuss, when it comes to inflicting pain on myself. I have a huge threshold for pain, but cannot do it to myself. When I wax my bikini area, I can’t put the strips off. I can sit there for 10 minutes trying to psych myself out and I can never actually do it. I even have a lot of false starts. Eventually, I just call M in to pull it off for me. So, when it came time to stick myself with needles we both knew there was no way I was going to be able to do it. He has taken on that responsibility like a champ. Watching the video multiple times, asking the nurse awesome questions, mixing meds, cleaning stuff with the alcohol, etc. My husband is incredible!! I could not do this without him.

We woke up a little late so promptly decided we needed to give me my first shot right away. Amazingly it wasn’t bad. The Follistim pen made it really easy. M put the shot in with a little more force than necessary. Ok, maybe a lot more, I actually had a dent in my skin from the pen. But it wasn’t bad. I had a bruise from that one and it was tender for a couple hours, but that was it. The funny part was when M put the pen down his hands were shaking. He was really nervous. Who knew?

That night we did the first menopur shots. Those are a little more complicated. There is a lot of mixing and then switching of needles. We had some problems, wasted a little bit of the sterile water, but in the end it just burned a little. You can’t even see where the shot went in for that one. A lot of women complain about the menopur being really painful, but for me it was actually really easy. I told M that maybe it is all the extra skin left on my belly from having L. I knew there had to be a reason I was left with all this extra skin. 

BCP is not my friend!

It has been more than 7 years since the last time I was on The Pill. I had forgotten how strongly I dislike it. It makes me nauseous, it gives me severe headaches, my boobs hurt, I have gained 7lbs – yes I said 7 lbs in 22 days – and to top it all off it makes me whiney and depressed and grumpy. Is this just me? Am I the only freak in the world that cannot take The Pill. When I was telling my sister about all of this she looked at me like I was making it up. I am not making this up. It feels like torture. And my poor husband; I forgot the worst side effect of all! It completely takes away my libido. I mean non-existent. So, not only does he have to deal with me being an emotional wreck and a witch but he ain’t get any either. Poor, poor man!

In other news; I got my giant box of meds on Friday. We took it in the kitchen and spread it all out on the table. There is a ridiculous number of needles in there. M looked at me with a look of complete fear on his face and said “we are really doing this, huh?” Poor guy is not looking forward to sticking me with needles multiple times a day. I can’t blame him either. I am not really looking forward to it myself. But it will all me worth it.

I have my baseline U/S on Friday and then Saturday will start stims. I am so ready to do this already. I am just so anxious waiting.

What did you say?

Jan 6, 2010 – I had my calendar review today. Can you say overwhelming? The details of everything I have to remember and do is scary. I started to freak out. M and I had a conversation on the way into our appointment this morning about our fears, etc. I told him I was wavering on our decision to do IVF. He asked if I wanted another child. I said a resounding “yes.” He asked if I wanted to give birth to that child. This time my answer was “preferably.” But the reality is I would love to adopt. Yes, I want to give birth to my own child, but if I can’t, and very probably even if I can adoption is a great option. I asked him the same questions and for the first time he indicated adoption was something he really wanted to do. Ultimately, we decided we are going to go ahead with the IVF simply because if we don’t we know we will regret it in the future. We need to know that we did everything we could.

In my appointment today I asked the IVF coordinator what our chances were of success. She said that with my age and our factors, etc. we have a 67% chance of success. Really? I thought it was maybe a 50% chance. This is much higher than I ever expected. To add to this yesterday my acupuncturist told me that these treatments will increase my chance my 18% according to clinical studies. That means we have a combined chance of 85%! Be still my heart. My hopes of success just went through the roof!!

This whole time I have been trying to keep my hopes under control and today they just soared. I was trying to keep my hopes in check in order to keep myself from falling apart if it doesn’t work. But I am having trouble doing that now. Oops!

Feeling like a failure

Jan 3, 2009
I had a small breakdown tonight. Not really about IVF, but ultimately it was caused by our infertility issues. L and my niece, SN, are 5 months apart in age. They have always done everything together.

When they started pre-school I researched schools and chose one and my sister put SN there as well. We had agreed that when they were 4 we would move them to another local private school because the one they are at only goes through pre-k and the private school that we want them to attend elementary school at is difficult to get into if you don’t go to their Pre-K program.

Tonight we were discussing next year as we have to register them now for Pre-K. My sister now wants to leave my niece at the school they are currently at and then possibly send her to public school for Kindergarten. If we send the girls to public school for Kindergarten they will end up in different schools because of the school districts where we live. I got really upset and started crying on the way home. SN is the closest L may ever come to having a sister. I don’t want to take that away from her, but it seems like my sister does. Just writing about it is making me cry.

I want her to have what I had growing up. My siblings and I were so close. We still are. But when we were little it was always a huge comfort to know that if I needed them, they were close by. Just in another classroom. L, if I am completely honest with myself, will probably never have that. But I thought she would have her cousin. Now it looks like she won’t even have that and it really, really sucks. I feel like, in this aspect, I am failing her.

The Green Eyed Monster

BEWARE! Vent that will offend some to follow. I apologize in advance to anyone I offend. BUT it is my blog and my outlet so I should be able to say what I want.

I am a member of quite a few message boards and lurk on a few IVF boards. Lately it has come to my attention that women undergoing IF treatments don’t want to see kids in the waiting room of a Fertility clinic. It is too painful for them.

I understand this too an extent, but at the same time I find it frustrating. First, they don’t know this family’s situation. They don’t have any idea what lengths they went through to conceive that child. They don’t know if that is their biological child or not. They simply know nothing. Second, they don’t know why those people had to bring that child there. They aren’t doing it to hurt anyone. The parents of that child probably had no choice in the matter. I read one post that said, one parent should stay in the car with the child. Ummmmm………what if both parents need to be in the appointment?

I find it inconsiderate of these women to feel this way. I understand the parents already have a child and these women do not, but for one moment they need to open their hearts and consider what that couple is going through. Maybe they have to have genetic testing done on embryos because their older child has an incurable genetic disease. Maybe they just lost a baby at 30 weeks and are going back for their consult to start treatments again and cannot bear to be away from their child who is still alive. Maybe they simply, no matter how hard they tried, could not find a babysitter.

I do everything in my power to not bring L to the clinic with me, but every once in a while I have no choice. In July, my HCG came back really high during my ectopic and the docs office wanted to do another series of Methotrexate shots, immediately. My husband was at work and could not get off. And literally every member of my family was away on a vacation that I had to come home early from because there was concern that my tube would rupture while I was gone and I would die. So I took her with me. I had no other choice. I had to get the shots and I sure has H wasn’t leaving a 3 year old alone in the car.

At some point we have to stop focusing on our own pain and realize that life is going on around us and we can either learn to enjoy it or suffer in silence. I personally choose to embrace the children around me and look on them ALL as blessings. My best friend got pregnant six weeks after I did last winter. I lost my son. She didn’t. I could have pulled out of the friendship or at least pulled back. I chose not to. I hosted her baby shower of 50+ women. I have supported her and been there for her through out her pregnancy. When her son was born in November, I won’t lie, I had a few bad moments of tears and jealousy, but I pulled my head out of my arse and reminded myself that children are gifts. I hope to receive that gift again. BUT if I don’t I will not begrudge others being given that gift.

Instead of being bothered by children in an infertility clinic we should see it as a chance to rejoice and hope. Rejoice that a couple who had a reason to be in that clinic has a child. And hope that we are in that couple’s shoes one day. Back after our success ready to ride the roller coaster again.

Happy New Year!!

Jan 1, 2010 - Happy New Year! I am so happy to be done with 2009. It has been the year from hell. DH and I were discussing the last few years the other day and I have to say I am ready for some good news. We have had a rough few years personally. My dad’s family went berserk causing a huge lawsuit and to put it lightly there is no longer contact with that side of the family. Two of my grandparents died, both of M’s grandparents died. M’s mom was diagnosed with colon cancer, two pregnancy losses and one of our dogs died. That is just skimming the surface. Simply put; it has been rough.

Ironically, financially we are doing better than ever. The thing is, we would give up our financial status to have our lives go back to the way they were the year L was born. Yep, finically we were barely getting by, but we didn’t know the heartache we do now. Our families were intact. Here’s to a new decade and new hope for a bright new year! Come on 2010!

BW Results......

December 30th, 2009 – I got my CD3 BW results today but I missed the call. All I know is that everything looked very good and my infectious diseases were all negative. The only number given was for FSH which was 6.2 a good number from what I can tell. I wasn’t really worried but there is always the question in the back of your mind. Yay for good numbers!

I spoke with my acupuncturist this morning and she said she wants to see me twice a week for the four weeks before retrieval. 24 hours before retrieval, 24 hours before transfer and immediately following transfer. She said some people opt out of the one right after transfer because of the bed rest requirements. I am not sure what I will do there. But I know I will be getting poked A Lot in the next few weeks. Between the acupuncture and the stims I will be a big ol’ pin cushion.

I am better today; ready to get this ball rolling.