Our Losses

I can’t rewrite everything we went through. It is too painful, so I am copying journal entries I wrote for my WTE blog directly on to this blog. Just rereading what I wrote rips my heart out. I will admit what you are about to read is long and often times heartbreaking. If you want to skip it, I would understand.

“I was really truly OK with where we were and the strong possibility that we would never have another child.

Then February 4, 2009 came around, day 29 of my cycle. AF should have started, but it didn’t. My cycle is like clock work with clomid. I surge day 14 or 15 and then AF starts at some point on CD 29. She never showed. I didn’t take a test that day or even the day after. I have had too many times when I got my hopes up and then been devastated when AF showed to really get excited. Finally, on CD 31 I took a HPT, which was positive. The line was actually darker than the test line. I was in complete and utter shock.

I had waited that morning to take the test because I didn’t want M to know I was taking it. I didn’t want him to get his hopes up, he was already getting excited that AF hadn’t shown and I just didn’t want him to be let down anymore than he already would be. So, I waited and held my FMU for over an hour for him to go downstairs to his office and get to work. Then I took it. L was in the room, but she has seen me pee on OPKs so many times it didn’t phase her in the least. When I saw that line I was terrified and excited and breathless and completely utterly shocked and so many other things. The only thing I could think about doing was telling M.

I went into my office and got a full sheet of paper and took a sharpy and wrote “Hi Daddy – Guess what I am going to be a big sister. Love L.” Then I convinced L to take it downstairs and give it to him. I couldn’t help it, I watched from around the corner. When she first handed it to him, he set it aside before even looking at it, but apparently she knew it was important because she picked it back up and told him “daddy this is for you.” He read it and looked at her totally confused and then he read it again and then he looked at her again with kind of a shocked, confused, excited look on his face at which point I went into the room and he just looked at me, held up the paper and said “really?” It was incredible. I thought at the time that it was one of the greatest days of my life.

Of course I went later that day and got blood drawn and my HCG levels came back normal. The docs office called and said they wanted me to go the next week for another Beta HCG and then come in at 6w 5d for our first ultrasound. After our second round of HCG tests, we told my sisters and my mom. At our 6w 5d ultrasound we saw our LOs heart beat. It was incredible and such a relief I had been so incredibly nervous. The doc said everything looked great and to come back in two weeks for another scan. Between each appointment I got really nervous, completely terrified that something had happened, but we went back at 8w 5d and saw the heart beat again. I left there thinking everything was fine. He graduated us and said congratulations! I made an appt with my regular OB, it ended up being at 13w 2d which was later than I had ideally wanted, but with my schedule and his it was the earliest day they could get me in.

I was growing, I was definitely gaining weight. My breasts were huge and incredibly sore. I had bad nausea and so many food aversions it wasn’t funny. But for some reason I was still so incredibly nervous. Fearful. Then a woman who was supposed to be in her 14th w posted that her baby had stopped growing at 12w 1d and she had no idea until she went for her 14w appointment. It scared the pants off of me. I thought I was going into the safe zone. I was having trouble focusing, working, just functioning in general I was so worried.

I ordered a fetal Doppler thinking that would help. It came at 12w 3d, I didn’t panic that first day when I couldn’t find the heartbeat. But that night I woke up in the middle of the night with severe cramping. It didn’t last long, 5 or 10 min at most, but came back about an hour later for another 5 min or so. I had no bleeding of any kind. I woke up the next morning and tried again with the Doppler, but nothing. Mid way through that day I had severe cramping again that almost dropped me to my knees. I went to the bathroom and had (Sorry, TMI) horrible diarrhea. After which I was fine. Once again, I had no bleeding what so ever. I was really calm and sat and tried the Doppler again. Again nothing. They say in all the paper work that you might not be able to hear anything until 14w, but I knew. Sunday I told M that there was something wrong. I hesitated to tell him that the baby was no longer alive, but I knew. I knew our baby was gone M just kept telling me the baby was fine.

I called the doctors office and told the answering service what was going on. Oddly it was my doctor on call and he said that he really thought everything was fine, but that I could come in the following morning and he would do and U/S if it would make me feel better. We went to dinner at my parents like we always do on Sunday’s and I didn’t really say anything to anyone, I acted normal. I did mention to my mom that I had called the doctor and I was going in the next morning, but she kind of just acted like it was no big deal.

The next morning, April 6th, we got up and got L ready for school and both kind of acted like I was overreacting and there was nothing wrong. I even apologized to M for making him go with me. I think I said “I know I am probably overreacting, but I just need to know everything is ok.” I have never been as nervous as I was in the doctor’s waiting room. It was horrible. We finally went back 45min after our appointment time and the nurse had me get undressed from the waist down. Then she brought in the ultrasound machine and then the doctor came in. He was his cheerful normal self, asking lots of questions, telling us he was sure there was nothing wrong, but if it made me feel better he would check. He made some comment like “I am a parent too”.

He started with the vaginal ultrasound. I knew almost immediately. I don’t remember anything he said really, but that he wasn’t getting a good picture, he wanted to look through the tummy. My husband said at that point the doctor started asking me a lot of questions that he had already asked and almost babbling. The repeat questions was, for M, the tell tale. When he was doing the tummy ultrasound, he finally just stopped talking and held the wand over where the heart should have been beating, for at least a minute I swear, there was nothing. No flicker, no movement, nobody speaking, nothing. My baby had died!

He said something like “I am so sorry, I really didn’t expect this.” And then he started taking pictures and I asked him how long it had been. He said a couple days at most. At which point, I lost it shaking and crying. I looked over at M and he was just sitting in the chair with his head in his hands staring at the screen. The doc finally asked if I could try to hold still for a just a second so he could get the rest of the pics. When he was done, he told me that I would need to have a D&C because I was so far along. It could be weeks before my body started to miscarry naturally and then I could bleed for weeks or even months. He then said to go home, one of the nurses would call to set it up.

I don’t remember much after that. I don’t remember getting dressed. I do remember walking out of the exam room and the nurse he has had forever telling me. “Oh, T I am so sorry.” I couldn’t speak I just kind of lifted my hand. I don’t remember getting to the car or getting in, but I do remember the very pregnant chick that was standing in front of the building smoking. How fair is that? I did everything I was supposed to do, and my baby died and this stupid girl is standing there smoking? She gets to keep her baby and I don’t?

The rest of the day was very strange and surreal. I don’t remember getting home. I know the doctor’s office called at some point and I just handed the phone to M. I know I wanted M to go get L from school early, but then told him not to because I wasn’t sure she should see me like that. Somehow I made it into my bed, but I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was cry. I actually got up for a little bit and went and tried to get some work done. I sent some e-mails to make sure things that needed to be dealt with that day would be taken care of by someone else. I didn’t want to cry anymore or feel anymore, so I laid down in bed and started reading a book.

When L got home from school, she came looking for me right away and the first things she asked was what was wrong. I told her, “Mommy is sad, because the baby had to go be with Jesus.” She said that “no, the baby is in Mommy’s tummy and will come before Halloween.” I told her “No, the baby can’t come anymore, the baby has to go me with Jesus in Heaven.” At which point she started to get pretty upset “but mommy you said the baby was coming. You said! You said she would be here before Halloween.” And I just kept telling her “no, the baby can’t come anymore.” And she kept telling me “she will come back Mommy, its ok.” Finally, I distracted her by offering to read to her. I read to her 6 or 7 books before she got bored and went looking for M. I finally managed to fall asleep after that for a while.

I didn’t sleep well. It was almost a half sleep with strange dreams on bleeding and babies it wasn’t good. I kept dreaming that my baby was screaming at me that he wasn’t dead and to not kill him. It was horrible! Finally, I got up and started working. I didn’t know what else to do with myself. At least when I was working I wasn’t thinking and I wasn’t crying. That evening Big-T, myStep-father called and said he and my mom were going to come by. I hadn’t spoken to anyone. After we left the docs office earlier in the day, I had M call my sister and have her let everyone know. I didn’t want them to come by, but they are my parents so I didn’t say no. I did tell my sister no though.

They did finally come by, which was good for L, because they at least were a little bit of normal for her in a strange day. It sucked. My mom does not hug, but she hugged me and told me “she was so sorry.” So, did Big-T and they both hugged me for so long. Told me I shouldn’t be working, but I didn’t know what else to do. At some point, I finally went to bed. I really don’t remember much after my parents leaving.

The next day was D&C Day………